Jun replied two days later.
Jun_iper:Genius. I’ll call up the boys and we’ll get something going. Maybe I’ll put out another tasteful nudes calendar, too. Really kick things off. We raised mad cash for charity with the last one.
Jun_iper:And…
Jun_iper:Idk. I guess you could be right, but it’s not like I’ll ever know. I don’t have his number, his socials, anything. Not even his last name. I guess I could hire a detective to track his info down, but that’s high-key stalker behavior and I’m not about that. I left him my number and figured if he was interested, he’d text. But he hasn’t. I get being anxious, but he’s had time to sit with it, build up courage, find a friend to text me on his behalf… seems pretty black and white to me.
Jun_iper:I also don’t want to put pressure on him or make him think I’m obsessed, which, yeah, I guess I am, but it’s not like that gives me a right to go full psycho and demand he stay in touch with me. Even if he doesn’t want me, I don’t want him to think I’m a bad guy, you know? Someone who can’t take no for an answer. His silence is his answer, and I need to respect that, even though I wanthim more than I’ve ever wanted anybody else in my entire life.
Jun_iper:Ugh. I’ve got it bad. I should probably see a therapist and stop dumping on you. Which, btw, thanks for listening. I don’t really have people to fall back on when it comes to things like this. It’s a weird place to be in, esp in my position, when you have to pretend you’re fine and everything is great all the time even when it’s not.
Jun_iper:I’ve just gotta… chill, I guess. Let it settle. Wallow. Get over it. Like you would with a typical breakup, only there was nothing there to break.
Jun_iper:I am like three seconds away from deleting this whole chain of messages bc they sound unhinged, so I’m putting down my phone now and taking my own advice. Time to go chill. Lmk how you’re doing. I know it’s been a couple days but I’ve been thinking about you and hoping everything is going well
Everything hadnotbeen going well. He’d been as sick as ever during the day, to the point where Miriam had threatened to send him home despite the bakery being understaffed, and hestillhadn’t found the courage to admit to himself what was going on, let alone to anyone else. But Jun didn’t need to know that.
x_kilometers_x:Fwiw, I’m glad you didn’t delete the message and am flattered that you felt comfortable enough to share that with me. I had been thinking about you, too, and wondering how you’d been doing. You’ve seemed a little down in your streams lately. Isthat creepy to say? That’s probably creepy to say. I’m not like, psychoanalyzing you through the screen. Idk, maybe I’m just projecting my own depression onto you just to make myself feel less alone, which as I’m saying it, really isn’t less creepy, huh? Guess I should book another appointment with my therapist, too…
x_kilometers_x:I’m sorry this guy did that to you. It sounds like he really messed with your head. I don’t know if it would help, but I think I could probably provide a little insight to what his thought process might have been. Without knowing him I obviously can only guess, but… okay, you might think I am insane for this… the guy I hooked up with? The one who I’ve been hung up on this whole time? He gave me his number, like you gave your guy yours.
x_kilometers_x:AND I DIDN’T CALL IT!!!
x_kilometers_x:I know what you’re going to say, so let me say it for you: “You know, Kilometers, if the guy didn’t like you back then he wouldn’t have left his phone number.” I knowwww, okay?? But it’s not that simple.
x_kilometers_x:It’s like… even though I “know” it still doesn’t feel true, bc he was so incredibly out of my league, and even if for some reason he decided he didn’t care about that, I still have no idea what I have to offer him. I don’t have an interesting job, I have nerdy hobbies, I have low self-esteem (in case you didn’t notice). Why would he want to put up with that?? So I guess the reason I haven’t called him is bc it feels like the charitable thing to do. LikeI’m saving him from the mistake of being with me. God that sounds so pathetic typed out like that, but it’s true.
x_kilometers_x:And then I guess I’m saving myself, too, bc if I never talk to him, then there’s no chance for him to get my hopes up only for him to decide he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m preemptively preventing heartbreak. Bc that’s normal and rational, right?
x_kilometers_x:Now which one of us is unhinged? (Hint: It’s me. Definitely me.)
x_kilometers_x:And it gets even more complicated than that, too, but we don’t need to get into that right now (or ever).
x_kilometers_x:Ugh. Whatever. The point of that whole rant was to tell you that I hope you know that it’s not because of you. At least that’s what my assumption is. I think that whatever happened between you and this guy, it’s bc of his hangups and baggage, and not bc you did anything wrong, or even bc the feelings are unrequited. It’s hard out here for a scaredy cat!
x_kilometers_x:Okay, that’s it. Pressing send and running away bc I apparently have no shame anymore. Hope you’re having a good day!
x_kilometers_x:(Oh, and fwiw? Totally would buy one of those calendars…)
Miles wished he could blame his hormones for the tears in his eyes as he sent his message through whatever magic internet portal allowed it to reach Jun’s inbox, but he couldn’t do that for two reasons. The first one was because he was still in denial, and the second was… well, that it just wasn’t true. It wasn’t his hormones that had made a mess of things—hewas the one who’d screwed everything up, and pretending to be Kilometers was only making everything screwier. He felt bad about the word vomit he’d just shoved into Jun’s inbox (vomit was just part of every facet of his life these days, it seemed), but judging by the substantial lightening of weight on his chest, he had really needed to get that out into the open. Even if Jun didn’t know he was talking about him, at least he had told him some version of the truth and finally acknowledged why he had done what he’d done. It didn’t erase his actions, didn’t fix the problem, but it did make him breathe a little easier, and that wasn’t nothing.
Now if he could just figure out how to get the rest of that weight off his chest, he’d be golden, but accomplishing that would be a bit more complicated than anything he could achieve through a single DM.
Another three days passed before Jun replied. Not that Miles was counting. Or obsessively refreshing his DMs. Nope. Not at all.
When the reply did come, Miles was cuddled up in bed beneath his mountain of blankets and throws. It was starting to get late in Aurora, but in LA, where Jun lived, it was only nearing the end of the workday. He’d likely just wrapped up whatever he’d been up to that day.
Miles snuggled one of his softest pillows to his chest, took a breath, and opened Jun’s message.
Jun_iper:I have a lot to say about this but my recording schedule is crazy rn and I have to devote 100% of my desk time to it. Since I’m not at my computer when I “finish”work, and since I don’t keep Twitch on my phone for work/life balance, I won’t be able to reply here…
Jun_iper:So here’s my idea:
Jun_iper:Let’s get you some practice reaching out. Here’s my number. Txt me just to say hi and I’ll shoot you back my response when I’m able
The irony of Jun providing him with his phone number was not lost on Miles. It was so ridiculous it was almost funny, although he wasn’t sure Jun would find it very entertaining if he knew that Miles didn’t even need to look at the number left in his DMs, because he had already anxiously memorized it when it had been left on a blank document on his laptop two months prior.
What was even more ridiculous was the sheer terror that seized him upon seeing the number a second time.
