Page 48 of Fire
“I love him and he’s going to leave me,” I tell Dream in summary.
To his credit, Dream doesn’t seem to mind coming in toward the end of the story. “Did he tell you he was leaving?”
“No. I didn’t give him a chance to.”
“Then how do you know he’s leaving you?” Dream asks.
‘Because he’s a rolling stone and he needs to get to the next place on the map.” I tell him like it should explain everything.
There’s a silence on the other end. “Okay, he declares. “This phone convo is going to require a serious intervention.” He whispers something I can’t quite make out and I hear him moving. “I’m taking you into my bedroom with me in case you want to share some down and dirty bits about you and Luka.”
I realize I’ve interrupted his night. “I’m sorry I should let you go. I’ve obviously called you while you were busy.”
“Don’t you dare hang up the phone,” Dream orders, and I hesitate putting my thumb on the end call button. “You’re my friend and that means you have twenty-four-seven access if you need me.”
I close my eyes, completely undone by Dream’s easy generosity. I’ve never had someone who wasn’t a therapist to turn to before when my emotions have me more twisted than one of Luca’s advanced yoga poses.
“Now, go ahead and tell me everything,” Jazz demands, and I do. In a rapid release of words and emotions, I lay my messy story out to him.
When I finally finish, Dream remains quiet. “What do you think?” I ask.
“ I think you’re being a dumbass.”
“What?”
“You’re being a dumbass,” he repeats more slowly as if I hadn’t heard him the first time. “But don’t take it too bad. People falling in love are quite often dumbasses, including me.”
“You were a dumbass?”
“First degree,” Dream admits. “I was so scared and sure Jack, who I was still calling Grave back then, couldn’t really love me, I ran away from him a couple of times. “Total dumbass move.”
“But Jack really loves you,” I point out. “I have a completely different situation going on.”
“But you don’t,” Dream insists. “This is where your dumbassery comes into play. By your account, Luca has risked his life for you and reigned holy hell down on the men who tried to hurt you. He fucks you into the mattress any chance he gets. And he seems totally down to play house in that little one-bed cabin in the woods with your fur babies. What makes you sosure he wants to leave you to go be arolling stone, whatever the fuck that means?”
I listen to Dream’s words. Could he be right?
“But Luca never said he wanted anything more?”
“He’s probably suffering from the same case of advanced dumbassery as you are. The only cure is for you to go find him right now and tell him you love him.”
My whole body seizes in total rejection of that idea. I can’t make myself vulnerable that way. No one has ever wanted my love. Why should Luca be any different?
“I can’t do that,” I say in a small voice.
“You have to, or you’re going to spend your whole life wondering what would have happened if you’d been brave enough to put yourself on the line?”
I don’t say anything, too busy almost having a panic attack at the idea of telling Luca I love him.
“Look, if the worst happens and Luca is a total idiot and rejects you, I’ll make Jack kick his ass, and you and I will have nightly cry fests until your heart patches itself up again.”
I’m beyond moved that Dream would be willing to help me that way.
“But think about if it works, and he tells you he loves you right back.”
I do what Dream tells me and think about the life I could have with Luca if he loved me. It looks a lot like the one we’ve been living in the cabin but I know despite Dream’s encouragement, it’s just a pipedream. I’m not good-looking enough. I’m not special enough. I’m not confident enough for Luca to love me.
I sum it all up in one easy sentence for Dream. “ I don’t deserve for Luca to love me.”
