Page 51 of Mountain Pine
Conner shakes his head.
“He told me to plan on a month of you not being there and to rearrange things accordingly, which I have.”
“Shit,” he whispers.
“So take another week. If you want to return after that, fine. But if you don’t, that’s fine too. It’s okay if younevergo back there, Conner.”
He looks like he wants to throw up. “I… fucking hell. I just…”
“It’s okay.” I wrap my arms around his middle and hug him tight. “Just be with me for a week.”
“I want more than a week.”
“A month.”
“I want more than a month, Taylor.” He pulls me off him and holds my arms at my side. “I want alifewith you.”
“You have that!” I say happily.
He shakes his head. “I need to be worthy of it first. Don’t you get it?”
No. I don’t.
“Look at me.” He flexes his hands, showing scabbed, cut knuckles. Then the fading bruises on his face. “I’m a mess, Taylor. My head is all fucked up and right now I don’t trust myself with anything. Anyone. I can’t screw us up and I will because I’m useless.”
“Hey. Whoa.” That’s his old demons talking. Not the man I know. “Conner, why would you still think that of yourself?”
He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath in and exhales it slowly. “I’m sorry.”
“There’s no reason to apologize.”
“I have to go.”
He leaves in a rush, and I’m left standing with my heart on the grass and my gut twisting with worry.
Chapter 16
Conner
I’ve got everything I’ve ever wanted and I’m about to shit all over it. If I don’t do right by Taylor, she’ll see what a worthless waste of space I am, and she’ll cut me out of her life for good.
“Stop.” Gripping my steering wheel, my knuckles sting from the scabs tearing apart. “You aren’t that kid anymore.”
The reminder doesn’t help.
My childhood was spent being told I wouldn’t amount to anything when I grew up. One mistake,anymistake, and my father would use it to point out that, See? He’s right. I’m worthless. Stupid. Not worth the time and effort. A loser forever.
After several years of therapy, I learned to accept that the hate he spewed was him projecting on me. He was telling me what he thought of himself.
But words stick to a kid and his are branded in my brain. Whenever I feel close to getting something I’ve always wanted, those demons come out to play, and I devolve into the echoes of my father’s anger and disappointment.
The truth is, I know I’m worth something. I feel it. See it. I’m a great employee and have even greater ideas. I just haven’t acted on them yet because we canbarely handle the workload we have now with so few staff and there’s also a part of me that’s scared Russ will laugh in my face when I tell him my goals, or worse, hate me for it.
Russel is the father I always wished for. If I disappoint him, I’ll never recover.
Oh god. When he finds out I’m with his daughter will he hate me? Fire me? Kick me out of his life too?
I haven’t just crossed a line with Taylor; I’ve done it with him as well. And even though Russ says I’m his favorite employee, that doesn’t mean he’ll be okay with me dating his daughter. My actions with Austin take on a whole new level of fucked too because Russel will think I’m a violent hair-trigger. If so, he’ll never allow me and Taylor to be together because of it.
