Page 25 of The Crown's Awakening
“I’m keeping you alive.”
“For your war," I say with a bitter laugh.
He doesn’t deny it.
“The most unsafe thing about Alarna," I go on, "would be your presence there. You are an entirely different sort of cruel, Teorin. The kind that is dangerous. The kind that must be avoided."
"Is that so?" He looks almost amused.
"Yes. You are the kind of dangerous that fucks with matters of the heart." I narrow my eyes. "That is a different sort of cruel."
I draw in a breath. "Especially because I’ve done nothing to deserve it."
Silence.
And then, “You need me.”
“No.”
“You’re not thinking clearly.”
“I am thinking exactly as clearly as I need to.”
He exhales, slower this time. “You need to think about Colsar. About the child.”
The laugh that leaves me feels wrong in my own throat, thin and edged with something I can’t smooth over.
“You just told me the man I love isn’t coming,” I say. “Or that he’ll die if he tries. So tell me what exactly I’m supposed to be holding onto?"
His jaw tightens. “Then think of your child, Asharin--"
“My child is likely dead, Teorin," I cut in. The words come out quieter than everything else, but they carry more weight than anything I’ve said so far.
A look of worry and pain crosses his face so quickly I think I imagined it. He moves toward me immediately. “What?—”
“Let me check?—”
“Don’t come near me.”
He stops.
“I can’t feel anything,” I say, forcing myself to hold his eyes. “I don’t know if it’s because I’m weak or if it’s gone. I don’t know if anything survived what I’ve been through.”
The wind rises around us, pulling at both of us, the sea louder now beneath it.
“I need to know if you’re going to let me go to Alarna without you,” I say. “Or if you’re going to force this.”
“You would be safer with me.”
“I don’t care.”
“That’s not?—”
“I don’t care,” I repeat, softer now, but steadier. “Do you understand that? I don’t care what happens to me if the alternative is being near you.”
I narrow my eyes at him. "You saw what my brother did to me. You saw what Sevrin did to me. You know--" my voice breaks.
I draw in a breath and continue "You know exactly what these last weeks have been for me. In many ways you were what I thought was my only friend. My only solace."
