Page 34 of Lost Truth
Something he didn’t want, and it wasn’t fair to lead her on. To let her believe she could ever have a relationship with him. A future with him. As much as the possibility of being with her intrigued him, he wasn’t sure a future with any woman was possible.
With each journal page Cady touched, the fear of what she might discover left her emotions raw, and her senses on high alert. The paper felt hot under her fingers, like it might burst into flame at any time.
But so far, the days were filled with her father’s routine. He’d journaled every day for as long as she could remember, noting ordinary things that wouldn’t seem important to most people. Things like every bird he’d seen in a day. Not only notes about the birds, but pictures drawn in colored pencil.
The happy and contented tone of the book warmed her heart as did the days he’d recorded her visits and phone calls. Guilt often ate at her for living away from him, but his journal writings cleared that up as he thought she’d made him a priority in her life, and he knew how much she loved him.
She took a moment to let the good news settle in. She couldn’t ask for anything more. But still, this journal was much like his other ones, and she saw no reason why he would hide it.
She flipped to March, and mid-month his writing changed to sharp, crisp characters instead of his usual flowing script. The urgency in his words raised her concern.
He’d added a message in his familiar handwriting two months before he’d come to live with her. A message directly for her.
Dearest daughter,
If you’re reading this journal, I’ve either passed on or the dementia has taken me and you’re looking through my possessions. I’m sorry about the locked drawer, but I had to be certain no one but you would find this information. You’ll find a memory stick taped to the back of the same drawer. Please listen to it immediately. Hopefully you’ll write about it in an article for your paper.
Love, Dad
Tears blinded her as she reached into the drawer and pushed items around to locate the drive he’d left behind. She swiveled in her chair, the same comforting squeak it’d made for many years drawing Hayden’s attention.
“You’ll want to look at this,” she said.
He laid down an open binder and took urgent steps in her direction. She sat back, giving him access to the journal. “Dad left me a personal message.”
Hayden leaned over the desk, his fingers running along the lines of writing. “Mid-March. That wasn’t long before Mayor Sutton’s murder, but it seems like your dad’s thoughts were more organized than when we met him.”
“His disease wasn’t as advanced.” She swallowed down the memories threatening to swamp her. “He didn’t have basic dementia or even Alzheimer’s. A specialist in Portland diagnosed him with Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease. This is a rapidly progressing dementia that can advance very quickly. Sometimes in months or even weeks.”
“I’ve never heard of it. What a horrible disease.”
She swallowed down tears for her dadandherself. She had to change the subject or she would lose it. She held out her hand. “I found the drive.”
Hayden studied it intently. “Same question again. Do you want to listen to it here or in the privacy of your room at the inn?”
“Here,” she said quickly. She had no doubt about her answer. “With you by my side this time, if you’re willing.”
“Of course I am.” He took the memory stick from her hand. “You never have to ask if I’m willing to support you.”
She fought the urge to sigh. “I’ve been so needy since I met you, and that’s not who I am. Believe it or not I’m a pretty strong, independent woman.”
He leaned close, his gaze filled with empathy and understanding. “Give yourself a break. You just lost your father. You’re grieving, and everyone needs extra support at a time like that.”
His continued care radiated through her, and she found herself captivated and unable to tear her gaze free. “You’re a good man, Hayden Kraus, and I’m glad God brought you into my life.”
“I’m glad He did too.” He squeezed her hand, and apprehension settled into his gaze. “I think I’m falling for you. Big time.”
Oh! So was she. Falling for him, but his uneasy look disturbed her. “It doesn’t seem like you’re glad of that.”
“Yes and no.” He released her hand as if he suddenly realized he’d been holding it. “I’ve told you my past left me with commitment issues. You’ve probably noticed I like to be in control.”
She grinned. “That would be hard to miss.”
No smiles from Hayden. “It’s more than liking to take charge. Ineedto do it. Falling in love takes everything out of my control, every last piece of it. I feel like I could easily fall in love with you, but I don’t think I can live with that kind of uncertainty.”
“You don’t want to go through the pain again. I understand that,” she said, her voice soft but firm. And she truly did understand—she didn’t like it, but she got it. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking for anything serious either.”
He jerked back. “I didn’t realize that.”
