Page 45 of Solid as Steele
Owen forced a laugh. Not easy when he wasn’t finding anything funny right now. “I don’t have my phone right now, but can you update Mackenzie the minute you can?”
“Of course.”
“Is it okay if I step over to the creek bed?” he asked. “I just need a minute there.”
“Not at all. I know Sierra and Chad would like a break, and you can be alone if you want.”
At her continued kindness, Owen nearly let his grief free but swallowed hard to contain it. “I would appreciate that.”
She turned to her assistant. “Shawn, would you run over to tell them to take a break?”
“You got it.” He charged away, his baggy suit flapping as he moved.
Mackenzie looked at Owen. “You want me to wait here?”
Did he? No. He’d already come to appreciate her support and wanted it now. “Mind coming with me?”
“Of course not.”
They strode over to the area without speaking, passing Sierra and Chad on the way.
He stopped by the dry bed and stared at the soil and rocks. “No visual evidence of Cassie ever having been here now.”
Mackenzie came to a stop by his side. She was close enough to touch him, but she didn’t. Still, the heat radiated from her body, and he knew she was there.
“The good news is Sierra could find additional forensics,” he said.
“Let’s hope so.” She finally took his hand. “Do you want me to pray or be quiet?”
He reveled in her touch for a few moments before answering. He didn’t know if his faith had wavered again—he just didn’t know much of anything yet—but her offer of prayer couldn’t hurt. “Pray. Please pray.”
She bowed her head and gave such an eloquent prayer that his eyes swam with tears. His little sister. Cassie. The baby of the family who couldn’t be more of a sister if she had been officially adopted, had been lying here less than an hour ago. A mere skeleton. Her life brutally cut short. Now in a container ready to be clinically examined in a sterile lab.
His throat threatened to close, and he could barely breathe. He lost track of Mackenzie’s words that floated into the dry desert air, empty to him now.
Why God? Why? Please. Are You there? Can You help me through this? Help me to understand? To trust? To believe?
“Amen.” Mackenzie ended her prayer but didn’t let go of his hand.
He came back to the present. To the reality of his loss. He took a few deep breaths. “When Cassie first went missing, I lost my faith. Totally.”
“But from what you’ve said, you’re still struggling, but you got it back?”
He stared ahead. “Thanks to my parents. Their faith actually deepened when she went missing. They said they had no choice. They could work hard to find Cassie, but they knew they had no control over whether she came back or not. It was ultimately up to God. And they helped me remember that He sees things we don’t and allows things we can’t possibly comprehend the reason for. I get that, but I still keep asking why things happen. I just asked it in the middle of your prayer. And after this? I don’t know. How do you find hope again after something like this?”
“Doesn’t most everyone at some point in their lives lose hope? Sure there are those who become bitter for life, but most people find it again because God wants us to have hope. He’s built a longing for it into our fabric.”
He shouldn’t be questioning God right now, just thanking Him for putting such a godly woman in his life to set an example and help him navigate Cassie’s loss. “You’re right. I guess I see so many families of homicide victims suffering…I never thought it would happen to me. Not only losing my sister but my hope. I was raised in the church. Lived my faith. Wasn’t even one of those kids who rebelled when they went off to college. But Cassie going missing has shaken me like nothing else.”
“You need time to process. To come to grips with finding her and go through the stages of grief we all face when we lose someone we love.”
“Yeah,” he said, but wasn’t all that convinced he had the depth of faith to work through this.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but it will get better.” She squeezed his hand. “And that’s not a platitude. It really will. I promise.”
She couldn’t really promise that any more than he could promise to renew his faith and trust God through this loss. He wanted to, but he couldn’t promise that he would manage it.
“We should get back to the team.” He pointed at the canopy.
