Page 30 of Seal the Deal
“No one fucking needs to break shit. We do it because it feels good.”
“I’m good now,” Andrew insists, struggling to imagine breaking anything in here, even things meant to be broken.
“Take the fucking bat.”
“I don’t need it, Nicki.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I don’t,” Andrew yells.
“Yes,” Nicki says, poking Andrew in the chest with the handle of the bat. “You do.”
Frustration simmers close enough to the surface that Andrew’s mask slips. “No.”
“You look pissed off, highness.” His tone is equal parts goading and assessing. “Break something.”
Andrew grabs the bat if only so Nicki will stop, but instead of hitting something he merely wraps his fingers around the handle and lets it fall to his side, trying to breathe deep enough to will away his rising agitation.
“Why do you do that?” Nicki asks.
“Do what?”
“Pretend you don’t get mad.” Nicki crowds into his personal space, pushing his goggles up on top of his head before doing the same to Andrew who feels oddly bereft without the pressure of them on his face. Nicki is breathing hard, the exertion of his aggression evident in the rapid rise and fall of his chest.
“I’m not mad,” Andrew insists.
“Everyone gets mad,” Nicki counters.
“Well, I don’t.”
“Then try it. Get mad. Get pissed off.”
“I don’t want to,” Andrew protests, trying to ignore the sudden tingle of anxiety in his arms.
This situation is so far outside of Andrew’s control, he can’t fathom how to get it back.
“Why?” Nicki demands. “Why don’t you want to be angry?”
“Because people won’t like me,” Andrew screams, caught off guard by the intensity of the statement. His heart thunders in his chest while he waits for Nicki to laugh at him or poke fun.
“You care too much what people think.”
“Maybe I care the right amount,” Andrew counters, clenching his jaw to keep it from quivering.
“Do you care if I like you?”
“What?”
“Do you care if I like you?” Nicki repeats, lifting the bat still in Andrew’s hands so it’s held high. “You don’t, do you?”
Does he? Andrew isn’t sure. He wants Nicki to like him insomuch as he wants everyone to like him, but it’s not the same pressure he feels with his friends or family, or at his job. He needs them to like him, to tolerate him even when he’s difficult. It doesn’t really matter if Nicki does because this arrangement of theirs is both transactional and limited. When it’s over, Nicki isn’t going to stick around, so it won’t matter what he thinks of Andrew in the end.
“Yes,” Andrew answers, taking a steadying breath before adding, “but also no.”
Nicki’s answering smile is delighted and dangerous, and he tightens Andrew’s hold on the baseball bat before reaffixing Andrew’s safety goggles then doing the same to his own.
“Let me see you get angry. Fuck shit up. Show me what you’ve got, highness”
