Page 113 of Seal the Deal
“You do,” Amanda says in a tone that Andrew knows better than to argue with. She might be petite and delicate looking, but the truth is, between her and Denise, she’s the one people should be afraid of. She’s absolutely ruthless when she needs to be and loyal to a fault. There are few people Andrew trusts the way he trusts her.
“Well, I don’t need protection from Nicki.”
“I can’t believe he lets you get away with calling him Nicki,” Amanda laughs, seemingly content to let the argument go, which is good because Andrew’s head aches, and while he normally loves a good argument with Charlie or Amanda just for fun, he’s not in the mood today.
“I tried to call him Nicholas but he said no,” Andrew admits.
“Really.” Amanda leans against the counter, crossing her arms. “That issointeresting.”
“The way you say interesting is interesting.”
Amanda laughs. “I love you, Andrew King. Never change.”
“Well, given how much I dislike change, we can count that possibility out.” Andrew pauses to look at the time before turning back towards Amanda. “Not that I’m not happy you’re here, but why are you here? I thought our bitch and brunch wasn’t until eleven.”
“It’s not,” Amanda confirms, “but I didn’t want you trying to do everything to host here at Nicholas’s when you barely know your way around his place. I was going to help you prepare.”
“Oh no, I’ve got it covered. Nicki helped.”
“Nicholas Whitmore, the world’s most useless man in the kitchen?—”
“He’s not worse than Charlie,” Andrew interjects.
“Okay, I stand corrected.Oneof the most useless men, helped you with our bitch and brunch?”
“Well, he had his personal chef help,” Andrew corrects in the vein of transparency. “He uh…he paid for it. I tried to pay him, but he got kind of pissed off when I offered to Venmo him the money. He just grunted at me, and then well, that’s not important,” Andrew mumbles thinking about the way Nicholas had kissed his forehead.
It’s the only kiss they’ve shared so far, but it did a number on Andrew. He has never experienced how small and safe it mightfeel to have someone be just the right height to kiss his forehead. He liked it, more than he expected. He also wants more kisses from Nicki, places other than his forehead. Namely his mouth. Something he’s yet to be able to bring up. He suspects Nicki thinks no sex means no anything, which isn’t really true. Andrew very much wants to kiss him and has spent the last three nights without him rehearsing exactly how he plans to ask for those kisses.
“Do I want to know what you’re thinking about right now?” Amanda asks, tapping his wrist gently to get his attention.
“Nicki,” Andrew answers honestly.
“That’s so weird,” Amanda says, shaking her head. “Not bad weird, so don’t over think this later, okay? I’ve just never never seen anyone smile likethatabout Nicholas. He’s such an asshole.”
“Yeah,” Andrew laughs. “He is, right?”
“So no rose-colored glasses? You don’t think Nicholas shits rainbows? You know he’s an asshole and you still like him?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, Nicki is an asshole,” Andrew confirms, “but he’s honest. And not in that cruel way some people are where they say they’re being honest, but they’re just being mean. Well, he was mean that first day, but in general, he’s just not concerned with what people think of him, which means he says what he means. Do you know what a relief it is to be around someone who doesn’t make jokes, or use constant innuendo, or say one thing while meaning something else? Whatever he says, he means. Most days, I wake up knowing that I have to mask to get through, that I’m going to spend the day dealing with things that make me uncomfortable or confuse me, and I’ve got to be ten steps ahead of everyone, so no one realizes how damn hard my brain is working, or how much stimuli I’m taking in. It’s exhausting.”
“You’ve never said. I mean, I guessed but you never told us. Why?”
“I didn’t want to. I don’t want pity, but it’s so hard to be in my brain. Every single day from the moment I wake up until I go to bed, my brain is running. I’m thinking and planning and trying to anticipate and navigate every single social interaction. I’m taking in ten times more stimuli than most neurotypical people—the textures and the smells and the sounds never end. I do everything I can to mitigate that—I eat the same things, and I dress the same, and I control everything I can because some days the smallest change is more than I can cope with. I don’t have to do that with Nicki because he’s blunt, and he’s honest about what he wants or thinks, even when it’s selfish. I can’t explain it, but something about Nicki makes it feel easier to be me.”
“Andrew.”
Andrew clears his throat, scrubbing a hand over his face. His cheeks feel hot, and he wonders if that’s from the headache or the word vomit. He can’t believe he just said all that. Thank god Nicki isn’t here to hear it all. He’s not sure he’s ready to confess all of that just yet.
“He’s an asshole, but he’s not to me, not anymore. I like being around him. He makes me feel good about who I am, even when I’m not trying to be someone worth being around. I can just breathe a little easier when he’s around.”
“Shit, you really like him.”
“I mean, I said that. Or I implied it.”
“No, youlikehim,” Amanda utters, sniffling.
“Are you crying?”
