Page 59 of Regal Feather
It left doors open for other thoughts. Other issues to ruminate on.
Everything that I’d thought I could completely ignore, except life apparently didn’t work that way.
I’d been doing so well the first few weeks. Before Ever started asking questions. Before I started having more…flashbacks.
Before his friends started worrying, too.
I still had to set up a time to meet up with Carlos.
With the therapist he’d recommended, too.
He had texted to check in last night. I’d replied and promised I’d set up a date for this week. Whether or not it had been a good idea was still up for debate.
I guessed it made sense. I was clearly not coping well. I just didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted. What I needed. What I’d even say.
Hi, I’m Santos. My parents are homophobic pieces of shit and made me sign up for the Air Force if I wanted to have a place to stay and a proper inheritance. Now I’m discharged, everything is blurry when it comes to a woman who kept asking me to meet her in her room after hours, and I’m in love with my best friend and moving way too fast with him for anyone’s standards. Oh, and for some reason, I freeze every time I have to make a choice that involves more than three different options, and no one is making me feel bad for it, but I feel like they should.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure that was going to fly. Surely, there wouldn’t be a handbook on what to say in response to that mess.
How did people figure it out? I’d watched some videos, role-plays of first appointments with a therapist. They asked what you wanted to achieve from therapy, and people gave an answer, and I had no idea what my answer would be.
I had no idea what I wanted to achieve. I just knew I couldn’t go on like this. I couldn’t pretend everything was fine until I completely burned out and fucked up everything. I couldn’t be a disappointment again.
My feet thudded against the pavement. I hadn’t memorized the streets around this area yet, but that didn’t seem to matter. I just let my body carry me faster, blur everything else around me.
I just had to keep going. Keep moving.
I just had to get it all out, go back to the villa, and be the boyfriend Ever deserved. The whole Dom thing already put me at a disadvantage, but I knew Ever. I knew I could give him everything.
I could have him, the one good thing that had always remained good.
It would be fine.
I was mostly focused on my heart thudding against my ribcage as I left behind the streets full of housing no one could afford, when my feet failed me.
It happened too fast.
On reflex, my hands absorbed most of the impact, but I still felt the sting on my knees as I rolled over.
Away from the road.
Safety came first.
I grimaced. My legs had a few scratches, and getting some of the pebbles encrusted in the palm of my hands was going to hurt like hell. It already hurt. It would be fine, though.
Ignoring the stab that came when I moved, I fumbled to grab my phone from the protective case around my arm. The case felt scratched, but the phone lit up as soon as I grabbed it, the screen looking as good as it had before.
I stopped as I stared at the lock screen—a picture of Ever he’d sent me once during the winter holidays a couple of years ago because I’d dared him to buy one of those ugly sweaters that were slowly becoming a tradition here as well.
What the fuck did I do?
No, I could walk back. I didn’t need help. I just…
My sight blurred once more, the uncomfortable hotness that preceded tears making my eyes sting. Making me gasp for breath.
Fuck.
I went to my messages. There weren’t many people there.
