Page 46 of Regal Feather
“Because they take over. I don’t like that. Not when things are like this.”
The sharp, short sentences didn’t take away from the itch to pull him close.
They deepened the open wound in my gut, though, the one that said those obstacles between us were going to do more harm than I’d first assumed.
“Ever…” I aborted the move of running a hand through my hair before the discomfort with the cut that wasn’t growing fastenough could make itself known. Instead, I picked at a random wrinkle in the towel until I could get a grain of sand that had made it into the fabric. Ever hated those. He hated even more that he had such a strong reaction to them. “Will you just come here?”
It didn’t say anything good about me, but I was too distracted if I didn’t have him here. Between my legs. Where I could wrap him up in my arms and pretend that nothing else existed.
Any sane person would’ve questioned the request. They would’ve glanced around and questioned what it would look like to all the strangers around us in this public place. Ever just climbed between my legs after handing me his sandwich, and leaned his back against my chest like it was the most natural thing in the world.
For years, it had been.
For a few weeks after my arrival, it had been.
I hated that it had changed, that it felt like it had changed, rather.
I still curled my arm tight around his stomach after giving him his half-eaten sandwich back.
“I need you to promise something, and I know it sounds childish, but I just need it, okay?”
“Okay.”
Again, no hesitation. Just more tiny bites on the sandwich.
I took a whiff of his hair. He used one of those eco-friendly shampoos that came with minimal packaging and looked like a solid bar. It was supposed to smell like some wildflower I couldn’t identify.
“You can’t get angry or jump to conclusions I haven’t reached. Okay?”
I didn’t know which of those reactions I feared more.
“Okay.” He trembled then, twisting so that he could look up at me. “You and me, right?”
He was the only person in the world who wouldn’t make me find the line cringe. I clung to that feeling.
“Remember the woman I told you about? The one I took the fall for?”
“Yeah.”
His heart started beating faster, but he didn’t add anything else. Probably because he was keeping his word. The promise he’d just made.
I took a deep breath. Part of me wanted to close my eyes and bury myself in him. Another part was terrified of the image I’d see when I did it.
“I…I don’t think I wanted it. Sometimes I did, I think, I just…”
Ever whirled around right away. I didn’t think I’d finished talking, but I stopped the second his gaze connected with mine. A knot built in my throat, in my stomach. I wasn’t ready. I knew I hadn’t been ready, but I was desperate.
Desperate to bridge whatever gap had built between us.
If I had to expose myself raw for it, I would do it. It was him and I. I had to make it work. I had to push through whatever stood in front of us, and I knew he’d been beating himself up over not being there for me. That part didn’t make sense for me yet, but maybe if he knew, he’d stop feeling that way, and we could…
No idea, actually.
Ever didn’t respond with words. Not that I knew what I’d want him to say. He just cupped my face with both hands. My sight felt too blurry to see what he’d done with the sandwich. He didn’t let me move anyway. He just held me there, and connected our foreheads together, and if I hadn’t been close to breaking before, I was now.
“Ever.” I was the one trembling now. The one that didn’t know up from down. “It’s not… I don’t know. Everything’s weird,and I don’t know if I’m… It has to be in my head, right? I was the one fucking her, the one coming, the one…”
He shushed me. “You can do all that without consenting.”
