Page 104 of Regal Feather
“Are you happy with your life?”
“That’s not…” I licked my lips. “It’s complicated.”
I was happy with the people in my life, and with Santos. I wasn’t happy about my bank account, but I acknowledged I was lucky to have it. I was also lucky my parents hadn’t disowned me or sent me to a training camp or anything else like Santos’s basically did.
I shivered.
My mother texted me again to say they’d be at the house in two weeks. It had filled me with dread. It still did.
Was I happy when I still felt so out of breath, on such a short leash when it came to them?
Was I selfish for not knowing the answer to the question? Too privileged to know how good I had it, even though I tried to take the steps to unlearn all of it?
“Do you want a hug?” Kara asked.
It brought me back. Shit. I’d spent too long in my head, and they’d clearly been expecting me to elaborate on the complicated part. Only, I couldn’t.
Mónica might understand a few things—her family had some money, and she might be sympathetic to the feeling of being strangled by family members since she worked with them.
It was hard to explain.
“It’s fine.”
I sighed. I just had to get out of this funk and focus on the things that did bring me happiness. Something close to it. What even was happiness?
Ugh.
Kara didn’t get up to hug me, but she squeezed my arm. She had very soft skin. Warm, too.
I hated when I got in a philosophical mood. It never ended well.
“What’s going on with you?”
See?
I knew it.
It only made things worse.
I just wanted to exist and wear cute clothes and have someone obsessed with the idea of fucking me, and yeah, I had it, but was it enough? Society seemed to say it wasn’t, that I needed more things outside of my relationship and my sheer existence. I just didn’t know if it was one of those things where society got it wrong and I had to deconstruct the idea and create my own, or not.
I didn’t know how to find an answer to the question.
“Do you think my parents are coming so soon after last time because of me?”
Santos tilted his head to the side. “I’d assume they always visit because of you.”
I snorted. Wouldn’t that be a nice thought to have? “Right.”
“Babes…” Before I could complain or get more irrationally upset, Santos lifted my feet to his lap and started massaging the soles. Just like that. “What is it?”
“They didn’t really address anything last time, and now they’re going to be back, and I’m panicking.”
I was panicking about more things, but he didn’t need to hear about those yet. Santos would take over in the same way he accused me of doing, except I didn’t have the heart to tell him no, and I’d only end up feeling worse for adding more stuff he had to worry about. It wasn’t conducive to anything, to any stage whereI’d feel like what we had was balanced and not me taking over his entire life.
“I’m sure it’s fine.” He spoke while digging his thumbs into my soles. I didn’t know when he had learned to do this, but it was taking everything not to start moaning like the wanton slut we pretended that I was. “You’ve been on top of everything, and they love you, Ever.”
I sighed. “I know.”
