Page 92 of Don't Leave Me Behind
“If you wanted that, you would have asked me first, Mercer. You wouldn’t have gone behind my back and used it as blackmail. How fucking dare you!”
I’m shaking, completely blindsided by this conversation. He didn’t even bother to ask me, just went straight to the source. Bile rises in my throat as panic sets in. If he knows, everyone is…they’re all going to know, and I’m going to have to explain it. I’m going to have to tell them what happened and relive every last detail.
My lungs start to riot, not enough air getting in. The walls feel like they’re collapsing. Like I’m running out of time, running out of choices.
“Leni, if we had known, if you would’ve just told us what happened back then?—”
“You would have been even more crazy!” I’m shouting, pacing the bedroom. “God, imagine if you guys knew back then. You would have locked me in my room and thrown away the key. You guys didn’t care what I was going through, only that I made a mistake.”
“That’s not true. You scared the shit out of us. Do you know how terrifying it was to find out from Miya that you left? That you took off across the country and hadn’t checked in with her in days? All we cared about was finding you, about making sure you were okay.”
“And what did you do when you found me? None of you even questioned the story. All anyone cared about was making sure I knew I’d made a mistake. You never let me live it down. I know what I did was stupid, but you guys never saw more than that.”
“Leni.” Mercer’s voice softens, but I’m done with this conversation. Done with him. Done with all these men whothink they know better than me.
“Don’t,” I whisper. My voice is thick with emotion, tears welling in my eyes. I hang up the phone and move around the room, packing up what little I brought into the cabin. I can’t be here. Not anymore. I was barely ready to tell them I’m home. I can’t have this conversation with them either. I won’t.
Clay.
My heart feels like it’s being ripped into shreds. Eviscerated as the idea of us starts to crumble. I told him what I needed, and he promised. I really believed that he wouldn’t tell them. I really thought he would wait and let me decide. But he’s just like them, taking away my choices. My tears start to fall, and I’m overcome with the need to leave. To put this place in my rearview and never come back.
I try to get everything together and out to the Jeep before he gets back, but I don’t make it. His truck slides to a stop in front of the cabin as I’m standing on the porch.
“Leni,” Clay pleads, his strides eating up the distance between us. I hate myself, but I flinch, body jerking backwards when he reaches for me. The hurt in his eyes breaks my heart. “Baby,” he tries again, keeping his hands down at his sides.
“No.” I step towards the trees, shaking my head at him. “No, I told you what I needed. I told you, and you said you were on my side.”
“I am. I swear, I am on your side. Mercer?—”
“God, you’re just like them.” I shake my head. “I can’t be with someone who makes all the decisions for me. I needed you to wait. I needed it to be my choice.”
“He was going to figure it out.”
“Why, Clay? Why did you have to say anything? Why couldn’t you leave things alone?” My voice comes out broken, desperate. I wantedthis. I wanted him.
“He kept pushing me to call you, to work through the pastand make things right with you, but he didn’t know all the pieces. He deserved to know that I’m the reason you got hurt. He deserved all the information.”
“No, you needed to absolve yourself of the guilt. You wanted him to know so that he’d finally see you the way that you see yourself. To give you one more reason to think you’re not good enough for me, another excuse to walk away like none of this mattered...like I never mattered.”
“That’s not true.” Clay’s head drops, hands stuffing into his jeans’ pockets. “Not anymore,” he whispers, cloudy grey eyes meet mine. “I want you, Leni. I’ve always wanted you.”
“That’s not enough,” I whisper, tears spilling out over my cheeks.
“Please don’t leave me.” His voice cracks, feet taking tentative steps in my direction. “I can make it right. I can fix this.”
“There’s nothing to fix.” I turn on my heel and march toward my Jeep, whipping around when I hear him step toward me. “Don’t follow me.” I take one last look at him, turning on my heel, I walk away from him. Again. Willing myself not to turn back.
When I get to my car, I text Miya to let her know I’m coming back and need a place to crash. I don’t know why I thought things would be different this time around. Things will never change for us. My family will never see me as more than a child who needs their protection, and Clay...Claywill never think we’re worth the risk.
My tears make it hard to see the road. An entire season of rain has suddenly erupted from the sky, not helping my case either. We were heading into summer with a drought for the record books, and now it’s like Mother Nature is trying to catch up in one night. I slow down, trying to dry my eyes enough so that I can see where I’m going.
Halfway back to Benson, I’m driving the freeway by purememory. It’s so damn hard to see. The highway is a ghost town. It’s going to take forever to get to Miya’s at this rate, with how badly it’s pouring down. I drive in silence; the radio in my Jeep hasn’t worked in years. I turned my phone off, chucking it in the back seat when the notifications wouldn’t stop, everyone trying to reach me. It was too much to explain and rehash while I’m trying to drive through a tsunami.
The rain finally lets up enough for me to drive at highway speeds. My chest feels heavier the further away from the ranch I get. I don’t know why I thought things would work this time. They would have gotten worse, especially once they all knew everything. I wouldn’t be surprised if they showed up in the next couple of days and tried to get me back home. For the first time since leaving home at eighteen, I’m wondering if maybe Benson isn’t far enough away. Maybe I need states between us. Maybe I need to completely start over.
The idea starts to take root, of driving on through Benson, not stopping until there is enough space between us. I wouldn’t have to deal with overbearing, disappointed family members again. It’s tempting, until grey eyes pop into my head, heat shining in them, as calloused hands map my body. The feeling of rightness washes over me as I remember exactly what it feels like to be loved by Clay.
An all-consuming love that didn’t judge me when I told him everything. Love that was so big, he didn’t want to hide it. Love that I pushed to the sidelines, in favor of hiding my own secrets. I accused him of looking for excuses when I was doing the same thing all along.
