Page 91 of Don't Leave Me Behind
I had nothing before your family took me in. No one cared if I ate, if I went to school, if I made something out of myself. Then Mercer came along and suddenly I had a family. I had brothers and parents who cared about the smallest, most simple things. I’ve been too scared to risk that. Scared that I’ll fuck everything up so bad that they’ll finally realize they made a mistake in taking me in.
But it wasn’t just them that I gained, it was you too. I found myself looking for you as soon as I walked in the front door. You were my favorite part of every day, no matter how shitty it was, I knew you’d make it better. I loved you the moment I met you.
It has always been you for me. I want you, Eleanor Rose Kane. With every fiber of my being. More than I’ve ever wanted anything else, I want you.
I’ll choose you, if you’ll let me. Because even with the risk of losing everything, I could never walk away from you.
Take whatever time you need, ask whatever questions you want to ask, because I’m not going anywhere.
Yours forever,
Clay
P.S. If you have to leave, I hope you know I’m coming with you. I wasted ten years without you. Wishing I could see you, hear your voice, kiss you. I won’t spend a single day without you again. So if you do have to go, that’s fine. Just don’t leave me behind.
I almost reach for my phone to call him. To tell him that I love him too, because I really fucking do. I have always loved him. I don’t know what my future looks like, but I know who I want to be in it. No matter what happens with the interviews, I don’t want to give him up. I know nothing other than the fact that I feel safe and loved and whole when he’s with me. The way he believes in me, listens to me, and supports me. The fact that he offered to move again, for me. To follow me means something.
It means everything, really.
I haven’t had that kind of support in ten years. Maybe Pepper has a point, maybe I’m responsible for that. I haven’t exactly given them a chance to be supportive recently. Not that all of them would be, if anything, Brooks and Ethan have gotten more grouchy over the years, but I know my parents miss me. My voicemail sits just shy of full every week. I leave enough room for up to two new voicemails, but I hate deleting the ones from my dad. He was the only one who supported me leaving, even if it was quietly.
The cornersof my eyes sting from how much I’ve been crying. I can hear Ma in the kitchen, banging around in the cupboardswhile the boys all watch me pack my Jeep. Standing around in their Wranglers and cowboy hats, arms crossed over their chests, they watch me struggle with boxes and bags, none of them offering to help. The two younger boys took off, Toby, as adverse to conflict as Pa is.
I’m about to get into the Jeep, watching as, one by one, each of my older brothers shakes their heads and walks away. No goodbye, no good luck. Just mutual disappointment in their little sister. My dad is at my side, pulling me into a giant bear hug, his big arms wrapping me up like they used to when I was little. I let his hug swallow me whole, the last of my tears soaking into his shirt.
“You wipe your eyes now, Eleanor.” He pulls away enough that I can do just that, rubbing my already tired eyes on my hoodie sleeve. Then he tucks an envelope full of cash into my pocket and puts one big hand on the side of my face. “You will always have a place here, sweetheart. Always.”
I nod, chest heaving with a shaky breath, before I slip into the driver’s seat.
“She’ll come around, Leni. I won’t minimize what you’re feeling by trying to justify her words. But don’t give up on them, alright? We love you. All of us.”
“Love you too, Pa.” I strap my seatbelt across my chest and give him a nod. I never expected to do this next chapter alone, but at least I have Miya. At least I know my dad isn’t disappointed in me.
The memoryof fighting with my mom always sets me on edge. I’m her only daughter; we used to be inseparable. We might be better now, might be talking, but it’s nothing like it used to be. We probably could have used a few more joint therapy sessions, but I hated making her drive all the way toBenson to sit and cry in an office together. We both had things we regret, but we can’t change that now.
Maybe moving back would start to heal some of those cracks. Some of the pieces that aren’t quite right yet. I’m agonizing over the implications when my phone rings. Mercer’s goofy smile lights up my screen.
“D, you will be the first one to know when I decide where I’m staying.”
He’s silent for a full minute, making me pull the phone from my face to see if he’s still on the line. When he speaks, his voice is low, angry, and I’m instantly on guard.
“Leni, I need you to tell me what happened ten years ago, and before you lie and say you were mugged. I need you to know that I’ll have the police report on Monday.”
“What?” I nearly choke, sitting up on the bed. I try to put my thoughts in order. “Why would you request the police report?”
“Because Clay told me you did, in fact, find him on that trip, and I got to thinking, what else could Leni lie to me about?”
“Clay told you what?” My head starts to spin, thoughts racing faster than I can sort through them. If Mercer had already requested the report, Clay would've had to have told him before now. Meaning he told him and didn’t tell me.
“I need to hear it from you, Leni, because if what Clay told me tonight is true, then I don’t even know you. I’m not sure I ever did.”
“He told you more?” I whisper, heart fissuring in my chest. He promised. He told me he respected my need to do things at my own speed. He said he was on my side.
“Leni,” Mercer breathes, some of the anger draining from his voice as he sighs. “Tell me what happened.”
“Why? You can read about it, can’t you?”
“I don’t want to fucking read about it. I want you to tell me what happened.”
