Page 67 of Don't Leave Me Behind
“Jesus Christ.” He glances toward the night sky, one hand squeezing the back of his neck. “It’s always me. Isn’t it? I already told you...I’m not good enough for you. I wasn’t good enough for her either. How many times do I have to tell you I’m not fucking worth it?”
Oh.I’m stunned. Silence weighs between us.I rewind my words through my head, wishing I could take them all back. Wishing there was a way to unsay them, rephrase them, anything other than reaffirm the belief that he isn’t worthy. That he’s the cause of all his heartache.
“Clay.”I close the gap between us, wrapping my arms around him. He doesn’t say anything, and it takes me a minute to realize that he’s standing there. His arms hang stiff by my sides. His eyes glassy, that faraway haunted look taking them over. “Clayton,” I whisper his name. “Clay.” I touch his cheek, his chest suddenly inflating, eyes flicking down to meet mine.
“Leni.” He barely gets my name out before he’s crushing me to his chest. His arms wrap around me so tight it almost hurts. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not mad at you. I don’t even know why I’m trying to pick a fight. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” I run my hands up and down his ribs. It’s the only motion I can really manage with the anaconda hold he has on me. “I started it, I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight either.” He sighs into me, heavy and wounded, like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“No.” His voice is muffled, face buried in the crook of my neck.
“Talk to me. What’s going on?”
“I saw my dad today.”
“What? Why?”
“Got sent to a domestic,” he exhales, leaning back against his truck again. Long fingers spear into his curls, tugging at the roots. “The guy I arrested knows my dad,” he scoffs. “Guess everyone in Cross Point knows him. He said he thought my old man killed me, like he killed my mom.”
I rear back, my heart skipping a beat. “But you said that she left.”
“She did. Guess old Caleb Traeger couldn’t handle that, though. He told everyone he took care of her.” Clay’s hands ball up into fists on his thighs, squeezing so tight his knuckles turn white. “I went over there to kill him. I wanted to, Leni.”
“What happened?”
“Nothing, one of the guys followed me. He pulled me out of there; made sure I didn’t do anything stupid.”
“Okay,” I breathe out a sigh of relief. If nothing happened, then there’s nothing to worry about. “That’s good.”
“None of this is good.” He looks at me, his eyes burning with rage. “Every time I see him, every time I think about him, I realize that that is where I’m heading. Don’t you get it? It’s in my fucking DNA. Why do you think I never looked for something serious? Why do you think I worked so hard to keep you away from me? I came from that asshole. I was raised by him. Look what I did to you that night.”
Clay’s eyes widen, his breath growing more and more rapid with each passing second. I know he’s heading for another panic attack, so I pull his face into my hands and look him in the eye.
“Breathe, Clayton. Breathe with me.” I take a slow, deep breath, then push it out through my lips, loud enough that I know he can follow it. Once his breathing is slow and even, I tuck myself into him again, wrapping my arms around his waist. “You are not your dad.”
“Give it ten more years,” he sighs, his arms still hanging awkwardly down at his side.
“You are nothing like him.” I tighten my hold around his waist, willing him to hear me. To really hear me. “And you never will be. You know how I know?”
“How?” He finally pulls me closer, leaning his head down to rest on mine.
“Because you care. You’re worried about becoming him. He wouldn’t be worried about that; he’d relish it, because he likes to hurt people. But you—you’re scared, you don’t want to hurt people. You are not him.”
“I might not have hit you, but I’m the reason you got hurt.I’m the reason your relationship with your family is broken. I hurt you, and I will never forgive myself for that.”
“None of that was your fault.”
“It is, though. This is what I’m trying to tell you. All I do is hurt the people I’m close to. You deserve someone better, someone who isn’t broken. Someone who can give you the world.”
“I don’t want the world.” I want to scream. My voice shakes with rage. “I never wanted more. I wanted you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I never cared about your past. I never saw you as something that needed to be fixed. I just wanted you.”
“I’m not the boy you fell in love with back then.”
“Good, because I don’t think he could handle me anyway.”
Clay’s lips tip up into a smirk, and his hand caresses my face. “No, probably not.” He presses a gentle kiss on my lips, resting his free hand on mine. We stand there, breathing each other in for a few more minutes.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” I slip my hand into his and interlock our fingers, not surprised when his tightens around mine. Clayton is on the verge of floating away, of letting himself sink back into that dark place where he doesn’t have to feel his feelings or think about the bad things he’s seen. I don’t want to lose him to that place, so I squeeze back, hoping it’s enough to keep him here with me.
