Page 43 of Don't Leave Me Behind
I know we don’t have a future together. I can’t be with someone who actively works against whatever he might feel toward me. But I can imagine what it’d be like, waking up to Clay every morning, kissing him goodbye, and pulling him back into bed with me for five more minutes. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter, willing my heart to remember that we missed our chance. Clay is not mine, and I have to be okay with that.
By the time I’m up for the day, it’s after ten o’clock. Clay has the coffee ready for me to start a pot. A blueberry muffin is sitting next to it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he snuck back to the cabin and left it for me. Mom’s muffins are top tier, and blueberry happens to be my favorite.
I scroll the job boards for Benson as the coffee maker begins to sputter, filling the tiny kitchen with warm, cozy notes of hazelnut and vanilla. There are a few teaching gigs open, but most of them are in early childhood. The thought of sitting in a room full of seven-year-olds has me shuddering in my chair. That’s too many little kids.
I want kids someday. Badly enough that when Miya suggested going and getting our ovarian reserves tested, I signed up. We went to a fancy medical spa where they gave us freshly squeezed juices and then drew our blood. Turns out, I’m aFertile Myrtle. Miya, on the other hand, was diagnosed with a diminished reserve. They suggested she go through an egg retrieval cycle to freeze them, in case she wanted kids down the road, but she never told me if she went through with it or not.
Miya is the kind of person who needs to be the best ateverything she does. Secretly, I think she might want kids eventually. I also think it broke something in her when she got the news. I didn’t push; having kids is such a deeply personal topic. I figure, if she wants to talk about it, she will.
We haven’t been as close as we once were. My family dynamic wasn’t the only thing that changed the night of the attack. We’re still best friends, still talk all the time, it’s just more superficial. I hate that there’s such a big space between us now. I need to get back to Benson so I can fix things and see my girls.
Reaching for my phone, I'm about to text Miya and Pepper when I notice several messages waiting for me. I open Clay’s first. Seeing his name on my screen does something strange to my stomach. He’s inching his way back into my life, and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend that there’s nothing between us.
HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED
heads up Adler’s been spying on the cabin. he knows I slept on the couch the other night
Of course, he was. Swiping out of that conversation, I move to Ethan’s because I’m not prepared to deal with Clay’s untilafterI’ve had breakfast and some coffee.
Ethan Todd
You should come home.
Oh yea? Why?
Ethan Todd
Brooks is going through something
I heard something about that
Care to share?
Ethan Todd
…
Client confidentiality and all that
Well I doubt anything is so bad you need me home for it.
Ethan Todd
Fuck you’re stubborn
I mean… you’ve met my family right?
Ethan Todd
Just come home Leni. What else do you have to prove? You went off and did the thing. Time to come back and be apart of the family again.
I’m not doing this with you
Ethan Todd
Fine. Who will you do it with then? You’re needed here.
You don’t leave your family
