Page 26 of Don't Leave Me Behind
“Because it’s not right. I broke something between you all that night.” My fists clench at my side, shame filling me when her eyes track the movement. I force myself to stretch my fingers out, grinding my molars together.
“You don’t want to feel guilty anymore. News flash, not everything is your fault.”
It’s your fault.My dad’s voice echoes in my brain. The feeling of his fists ramming into my ribs over and over sends my shoulders up toward my ears.It’s your fault she left. You’re weak. You’re nothing.
My heart thundersin my chest, lungs suddenly starved for air. What the fuck is happening to me? I’ve had my panic attacks under control for years. I’ve never even had one connected to my dad before. They’ve always been about my deployments, this is…this is fucking stupid.
“Clay,” Leni’s voice comes out hard and commanding. “Hey.” She grips my face, her hands pressing hard on my cheeks. Her eyes bobbing back and forth. “If you want to kiss me again, just say it. You don’t have to be so dramatic about it.”
I gasp out a laugh, disbelief coursing through me as she beams at me. I want to scoop her up into my arms, hug all the air out of her, and tell her how goddamn much I’ve missed her.
“There you are.” Her smile softens, eyes sweeping over my face as she slowly pulls her hands away from me.
“Fuck,” I sigh, dropping onto the world’s most uncomfortable sofa. “I don’t know why this is happening. I haven’t had an attack in years. I got better.” I look at her, knowing my eyes are pleading for her to see I worked on myself and Iambetter.
“I know.” She gives me a gentle smile, plopping herself ontothe oversized chair in the corner. “Mercer told me all about his trip to knock some sense into you.”
“I thought he did that because you told them what happened.”
“Nope.” She leans back onto her palms, her chest arching out towards me. It takes everything in me to keep my eyes on her face. Leni has the most perfect tits. Teenage Leni did not have the same chest back then.Knock it off,I chide myself. This is not the time to be ogling her. “That was all you, bud.”
“Huh.” I sink down further into the sofa, trying to remember what happened when Mercer came out to babysit me. I called him when she didn’t answer, told him I was in the hospital, that I was being investigated, and potentially going to be court-martialed for trashing a hotel room.
“What did you tell them?”
“That I didn’t find you,” she sits back up, looking down at her hands.
“Why didn’t you tell them the truth?” The words come out more harsh than I intend. Leni never lies. She was never mean, but she would always give it to us straight.
Green eyes burn into mine, some of that fire banking in them again. “I wasn’t going to turn them against you.”
“Maybe you should have,” I mumble, gripping the back of my neck.
“You don’t mean that.” She leans forward, her eyes wide.
“I do. Because maybe if you’d have turned them against me, you wouldn’t be pushing them away. Punishing them for caring.”
“Fuck you,” she forces out, her voice more water than venom.
“Leni.” I reach for her, my heart shattering when she recoils, her eyes full of fear. I pull my hand back, curling my fingers into a fist. I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t just me thatscared her. She says she’s not afraid of me, but her body is. I would never physically hurt her. “What happened to you?”
“You fucking happened,” she cries. The brokenness in her voice rips me in half. “I thought you wanted me. How stupid is that? You ghosted me, and I still thought you might want me. Need me even. So, I ran to you. I came to help you, and I’ve been paying the price ever since.”
“What price, Leni? Tell me what happened, whatreallyhappened. Tell me how to fix it.” I collapse off the couch, begging on my knees. My voice is desperate, pleading.
“You can’t fix this.” She takes a step backward, a chasm opening between us wider than that night, wider than the ten years we’ve spent apart. “You can’t fix me. You were right not to want me,” her voice cracks at the end, eyes overflowing with tears.
I try to reach for her, but my arms are too heavy. Helplessness glues my knees to the floor below me.
I’ve felt this dark, hopeless anguish twice before in my life. Tonight makes it the third time that a woman I love has walked away from me, and like with my mom, I know it’s my fault. She doesn’t trust me. Not with the truth, and not with her heart. I made sure she knew that I’m not built for love. It’s not in my genes. I know, my mom knew, and Leni…
Leni knows it now, too.
I wanted this. I wanted her to realize I wasn’t the right one for her. Only I didn’t realize it would hurt so damn bad.
Chapter 9
Why Do You Keep Doing That?
