Page 33 of Do It Yourself
I locked all my thoughts and feelings, my excitement, for becoming a mom away in a box. Until that night with Paul where I spilled everything.
He listened without any judgement. Then he made me promise him that I would come to him if I ever started to feel like I was going down into that dark hole again. He promised me he would drop whatever he was doing and make sure I was okay, that he’d do whatever he could in his power to keep me out of that dark place.
I’ve been good, I haven’t needed to reach out to him. Outside of my small slip up last month that ended up being a really good day with Anika and Henry. He was out of town, so he couldn’t physically be there for me but he still let me invade his home and sent me texts following up to make sure I was okay.
Paul has always been there for me. It doesn’t matter to him that all of this happened almost ten years ago. He’s never told me that it’s about time I get over my damage and move on. He’s just been there for me, and even though he won’t let me be therefor him fully when it comes to everything going on between him and Anika, how much I want to be. It’s still a betrayal to have any type of feelings toward Jude outside of the contempt that Paul holds for him. Paul was almost as broken as me that day I held him after Lola announced his promotion. I need to remember that, no matter how safe I felt in Jude’s arms yesterday. It doesn’t matter that he held me and took care of me and stayed in my bed with me just because I asked. No questioning, no trying to dive deeper into my reactions. I need to forget how fun it’s been to have him around while I’m working, how he took all my pranks and teasing and attempts to avoid him with barely a huff of annoyance. I can’t continue to let my body react with a warmth in my stomach every time he calls me “Trouble.”
I can’t do any of it.
No matter how much I want to.
Chapter Twenty-Four
MABEL
Itry my best to hide out in my room for as long as possible but my stomach is starting to eat itself. Unfortunately, a string cheese and glass of water dinner wasn’t going to be enough to survive hiding away all day. I let out a groan, shaking my body in a totally age appropriate tantrum, before taking off the clothes I slept in. Pulling on a loose pair of pants and a plain t-shirt, I tie my hair up into a messy bun and fortify myself to head upstairs.
Tantalizing smells of breakfast foods pull me up stairs with a little more urgency in my steps than my previous pace. The rumble of my stomach is audible and announces my arrival.
How fucking embarrasing.
I can feel my cheeks heat as my gaze finds Jude. His back is to me but I can see the muscles in his back stiffen ever so slightly. Bless him for not turning around immediately. Wait, no, don’t bless him. Come on Mabel, get it together. “Uh, good morning.” My voice is scratchy, almost husky, from lack of use and the excess sobbing.
“Mornin’, hope you don’t mind but I made some breakfast. Help yourself.” Jude still hasn’t looked at me but gesturestowards the stove before grabbing a full plate of food and heading over to the dining table, sitting on the end.
Still not looking at me.
Why is he even here? Mama should have been the one to comfort me yesterday, that was the plan. Why had the plan changed and why had no one told me?
I don’t know why but this has my hackles rising.
I let out a small huff in annoyance, heading towards the stove to look at whatever Jude prepared. It feels like my stomach moans in pleasure as I take in the eggs and sausage that looks cooked to perfection.
I’m a slut for sausage.
Breakfast sausage.
Well…
I chuckle to myself and load a plate, spotting a few well buttered pieces of toast set to the side. Don’t mind if I do. I stack two slices on the top of the rest of my breakfast haul. I can feel my spirits lifting at the thought of satisfying my hunger pains with what looks like a delicious offering.
Now, the big decision of where to sit. The dining table is huge, made to accommodate the big Warren Clan. I have my pick of the seats, but despite my resolve this morning to avoid Jude as much as possible, his brush off irks something deep inside me.
God, these feelings are so fucked. I really should just pick a damn seat not on the complete other side of the table but with enough distance to not be close. That’s what I should do.
“Thank you for cooking.” I sit across the table from Jude, letting my plate clatter. Jude finally looks at me and I swear my heart stops when our eyes meet.
“Of course, Mabel.” His voice washes over me and that annoying swoop of arousal hits me in the stomach yet again. “Listen,” He coughs and it seems like discomfort is choking him.“Whatever happened yesterday, we don’t have to talk about it. You don’t have to explain yourself or explain whatever caused that reaction. If you don’t want to. But if for some reason you wanted to, I’m here.”
I’ve stopped breathing and I can’t think of anything to say, I’m dumbfounded.
“Uh, yeah, so, I’m going to work outside today. Make sure the grill and hot tub are all good for when everyone gets here tomorrow.” Jude gives me a nod, not seeming at all concerned with my deer in headlights look, and stands from the table. He takes his now empty plate and places it in the sink before slipping on his shoes and heading outside, just like he said.
I sit at the table, in shock, for way too long. I do eventually tuck in to my breakfast because cold eggs are super gross and goddamn Jude, it’s so good. I devour everything on my plate and go back for seconds. I’m stuffed, and no closer to figuring out how I should react to what Jude told me.
His understanding shakes me to my core.
So, instead of trying to process any of this, I clear the kitchen and do the dishes. It’s the least I could do and unless I want to join Jude outside, it’s really the only thing to do. I’d noticed while eating that Jude had cleaned up and put away all the baby toys that caused my breakdown yesterday.
