Page 97 of A Deal in Darkness
I walk toward him, and he doesn't move. Just as I was unmoved earlier. Enzo's learned from his error as I've learned from mine—this is my step to take and he cannot take it for me.
“No more lies.”
He crosses his arms and his shoulders rise. “You may not like the truths you discover, sweet girl. A lie is often kinder than a truth and some truths are best left unsaid.”
“Not between us.”
He swallows. Like he's nervous. Like he doesn't trust this. Like this is too impossible to be real.
“Even ones of omission, Enzo. I can't live this way. I can't...” I glance at the paradise behind him and hope I'm forging a path toward it. “I need to know what you're asking of me. I've got to know all of it. All the darkness that you conceal from me and the things you think will scare me. I can't keep giving only to find out I'm not getting what I think I've agreed to. It hurts too much. For both of us.”
He sighs and tips his head back, looking into the sky as if he's searching the stars for an answer.
“Is this truly what you want, Adriana?”
I've never been more certain.
“Yes.”
“I do not want to hear you complain I did not warn you. I don't want to hear it when you tell me you didn't know the consequences of this.”
His head snaps down and our eyes meet in agreement.
“I know. But I need to know, Enzo. All of it.”
“It will take time.”
I let my lips curl into a hint of a smile. “Apparently, we're not short on time.”
He stares at me, and I don't know how to interpret his expression. It's a world of pain and hurt with just as much hope and excitement—and it sets me on edge. I realize I've become adept at reading him, and now I can't I'm anxious. I'm not sure what is coming next and the uncertainty is uncomfortable.
“My collar stays on.”
“Can it come off?”
Enzo's head tilts and that boyish expression returns for a moment. “Yes. If I choose it. And I do not Adriana. I will never choose to let you go. I would give anything—do anything—rather than give you up. Understand that there are no lives I would spare, no atrocities I would not commit, no realms or planes I would let stand if that is what it takes to keep you. Men may put it differently and poets would be more romantic, but I am death and destruction and pain and suffering—and I will unleash all of it to hold on to you.”
“Why didn't you tell me?” I stare down the arched eyebrow, refusing to cower or show weakness. “That you wouldn't take it off?”
“I've been explicit about my needs and wants. It seemed obvious.”
I shake my head.
“I know that now.” He pauses. “You are not the only one hurt tonight.”
“I know.”
“I wonder if you do, Adriana. If you truly understand that were you anyone else, I would have torn the skin from your body and ripped you limb from limb. I am not made for being gentle and yet with you, I am different. I relish pain and humiliation, but with you, I show understanding. Kindness, even. You are the exception to all I am, and you are a mystery that holds me in your thrall.”
He offers me his hand, and I stare at it, comparing its size to mine. He's so much bigger that it ought to feel wrong when we’re together. But it doesn't. I fit inside him, as he fits inside me. Our edges match when we collide and I no longer know if we were meant to be this way or if he's shaped me into this, as the waves shape the beach they crash upon.
“I cannot change what I am and I will not pretend to be anything else. I will not lie, but I will ask more of you. You will meet my needs and I will meet yours, Adriana. I will soften for you, from time to time, and to the best of my ability. That is as much I can move for you and it is more than I would do for anyone else in all of Heaven and Hell.”
I nod and slide my hand into his.
“One day, I will take this collar off you. Not because I want or need to, but because I trust you will ask me to put it back on again. You will beg and plead and offer me your soul to wear it. Do you understand me?”
Enzo hasn't said sorry nor removed the collar. I won't get either. He's incapable of doing it and he's gone to the very edge of his capacity to soften. And he's done it for me. This is all he can give, as much as he can do, and now it’s my turn to take a step toward reconciliation.
