Page 96 of A Deal in Darkness
It happened so damn slowly I didn't see the tidal wave coming in and when it slammed into me; it left me devastated.
I didn't want this. I certainly didn't need it. But it's happened and now I'm facing the consequences of another decision I've made. This one by my heart.
Enzo is harsh. Unforgiving. So damn hard he's impossible and his behavior verges on cruelty. I imagine it's his nature, but that doesn't make it more bearable. Or more excusable.
My bum hits the sand as my thoughts crash onto me. The ocean waves lap onto my feet and I'm left with no choice but to face an inevitable truth: I like the way he is.
Not all the time.
Not when I don't understand him and I'm struggling to keep up with him.
But I like his roughness. I like the certainty and security he provides. I like the comfort and peace he gives me and I definitely like the way he fucks me. It has nothing to do with the gifts he gives me or the expensive items he surrounds me with.
I enjoy the thrill of his games and the excitement of playing with fire. I love the way I crave his attention and the excitement I get when he gives me it. I miss him when we're apart and want to cling to him when he returns.
I want him to stop lying to me.
I need him to stop hiding things.
I just want to know I've had a choice—a proper one. Not a half one or one made unaware.
The clarity of my thought hits me like a revelation and now I understand precisely why I'm so damn upset. It isn't wearing his collar that devastated me. It's that I didn't understand its implications when I let him put it on.
And I didn't realize it was permanent.
It's the same stupid mistake I made before and I hate myself for making it as much as I hate him for not saving me from it. He should have been clearer, but I should have askedquestions. He shouldn't have raced ahead, but I should have stopped him.
There really isn't any choice. It really is an illusion. I've got to face the consequences of my actions and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
The tide comes and goes, but I'm still here. Still sitting where the ocean meets the beach, where two unstoppable forces meet. I'm still out of balance and searching for my tether—and I contemplate all I am and all I'll ever be as I decide what I want.
Time passes but it loses meaning, seconds passing in waves that wash over me as the sea comes and goes. There are hours to think and days to dream, minutes to ask myself all the questions I can imagine and an infinity to find the answers I need.
My wicked problem becomes surprisingly simple and I already knew its solution.
In a world where I'm denied choice, I'm now facing one I don't want. I can continue or I can't. I can face Enzo or keep this hidden from him. There's no escaping this, no running away this time. There's only a binary decision and I need to make it. Now.
“Enzo?”
My voice calls, and he doesn't answer.
“Lorenzo.”
I shout louder and there's only silence. I call again and again and the only response I'm met with is the sound of the waves breaking as the ocean crashes onto the beach.
He said he'd come. He said I'd be able to summon him. Without the rites. He promised to appear any time I wanted him, and even when I might not.
I stand and take a breath, letting the salty sea air calm me.
“Amaymon?”
My voice is almost inaudible, but thunder crashes around me as shadows swirl through the paradise garden. They coalesce at the top of the beach and I stare, in awe as much as anxiety, watching as Enzo emerges from them.
He's motionless. Staring at me with eyes illuminated by starlight and his heart pounds as hard as mine. He's as wounded by this as I am, and yet he's trying to give me what I need.
“How long have I been here?”
“As long as you needed, Adriana. Time works differently here. This place is yours and I created it to be whatever you need it to be. That is the rule governing this place and the only one that matters here.”
