Page 102 of Yours Truly, the Duke
“Angela and I had adult things to talk about and you were just a child. We wanted to discuss the boys we’d see when we went into the village, getting old enough to go to dances, having lace on our unmentionables, and the girls we didn’t like. You couldn’t understand any of that.You weren’t old enough. But we loved you. Do you think we would have rushed to jump in the bed with you during storms when you were so little if we hated you? We didn’t want you to feel alone and frightened even though you never acted as if you were.”
Tears rushed to Fredericka’s eyes and she fought to hold them in. She’d always thought they’d come to her room because they were frightened—not her. Wyatt came up behind her and lightly touched her waist.
“We read every poem you wrote us becauseyougave them to us.”
“You never told me you read them. Why didn’t you let me know?”
Jane sighed heavily and looked around the room. “Perhaps we didn’t have the time.” Her expression softened and her eyes looked dewy too. “I always told you Angela loved me best because I was so jealous you had a sister and I didn’t. Many times I wished Angela was my sister, not yours. As ugly and selfish as it is, that’s the truth of it. I suppose that, and my barren state, is why I wanted her children.”
Fredericka didn’t understand that kind of love, but Jane seemed more sincere than she’d ever been. And for the first time, Fredericka was feeling Angela must have loved her, just not in the way Fredericka felt she was entitled.
“I have one more thing before I go,” Jane continued. “I am sorry, Fredericka. I hope one day you can forgive me for taking the children from you. For wanting to. I don’t mean this harshly, but it will sound that way. Someone who has no reason to doubt they can be a mother has no way of knowing the extreme agony and heartbreak of a woman who knows she will never have a child of her own. No excuse, but the truth. Just because I can’t havechildren of my own doesn’t mean I can have Angela’s. They are rightly yours.”
“Thank you for that, Jane.”
“Don’t feel sorry for me. I see it in your eyes. I’m still upset I didn’t get my way. I don’t know what made the Lord Chancellor change his mind. The headache I had from his decision put me in bed for over a week. It’s probably best we didn’t get the children. Nelson and I are busy. Constantly having them underfoot would be a nuisance. Much like you were to me and Angela.”
Jane’s reminder pricked, but not as much as it used to. She was learning to forgive and forget the past.
“Life becomes much easier when you accept you are never going to get what you really wanted. Nelson and I will never have children.”
“You don’t know that, Jane,” she said, finding herself sensing her cousin’s sadness.
“It’s been eight years now. Nelson said it didn’t matter to him. It always mattered to me. I won’t try again to take them from you. But I’d like to see them.” She looked at Wyatt. “If the duke will allow it.”
“I have no objections, Mrs. Tomkin,” Wyatt said softly. “But it’s up to Fredericka.”
“Bella lost her first tooth today,” Fredericka said, making an attempt to mend their relationship. “Would you like to go up and see her?”
“Not today. I don’t have time.”
Fredericka smiled and nodded. Jane was back to her old self.
“There’s one other thing though,” Jane said. “If, God forbid, anything should happen to the two of you, Nelson and I would like to be listed as guardians for the children.”
“With Fredericka’s permission, I’ll see it’s done.”
“We are family, Jane. I’d like to keep it that way, but I need to think on this before I answer.”
Jane smiled. “Of course. I’ll be around soon to see the children. Don’t bother seeing me out. I know my way.”
With a swoosh of skirts, she was gone. Fredericka’s limbs suddenly felt weak. She didn’t know what to make of everything Jane said. She didn’t know if she could trust her cousin. It would take time.
Wyatt slipped the old poems from Fredericka’s hands and laid them on the desk. “Do you know what I think?” he asked, as he circled her waist with his arms.
Fredericka looked into his eyes and nodded.
“I think she truly thought for a time the children were in danger. We were all disturbed seeing the cheroot between Bella’s lips and the full glasses of brandy beside them. I believe she loves you in her own way and the children.”
“I’m not sure she loves me at all,” Fredericka answered, still trying to understand all Jane had said. “It was nice to hear her say she was sorry and ask forgiveness.”
“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is never out of line for anyone and it is one of the hardest things to say. She owed you that. I also believed her when she said your sister loved you. She and Jane just had a different way of showing it.” He reached down and kissed the top of her head. “I like the way you show love better.”
Fredericka laughed softly. “Are you just trying to make me feel better because I’ve been jealous of her relationship with my sister all my life?”
“No. I don’t think she was either. She wasn’t forced to come. I don’t think anyone could make Jane say something she didn’t want to say. Maybe she simply missed arguing with you.” Wyatt kissed her lips briefly, softly.“Just leave it at she’s different from you and sometimes we have to realize and accept those differences. I was told all my life that I was just like my father. It took you coming into my life for me to realize I’m not like my father.”
Her brows rose. “Does that mean you don’t want us to wait until you are forty to have our first child?” she said with a curious smile.
