Page 62 of Tap Left
She curled her hands into my sweater and breathed me in and whispered her confessions in a moment we couldn’t take back. She told me she had feelings for me, and then said she shouldn’t have feelings for me. She was confused, and she wanted me to say something, but I wasn’t good with words then. I didn’t know what to tell her because either way, I would lose.
Ryan was my brother. And whatever she thought she felt for me didn’t matter because it was too late. She had chosen him, and I couldn’t believe she was trying to change the game halfway through. I got angry and pushed her away. I broke her all over again and sent her away in tears. And then I punched the wall, just in time for Ryan to step out from the shadows.
He laughed at me and told me I was pathetic.
“So, Lola thinks you’re the good guy?” he mocked. “The Adonis from Riverdale with nothing more than a whore for a mother to call his own.”
I’d punched him after he said it, and he wiped the blood from his mouth with a smile. It was exactly what he’d wanted me to do, and it only pissed me off more that I’d played into his twisted games.
“I bet it just kills you that I took her first. I bet that even still, you’d love to have a go at my sloppy seconds.”
I stared at the floor, numb. Ryan couldn’t know the inner turmoil I felt. I had no right to my feelings. I had no right to care how he talked about her or what went on in their relationship.
“This happens sometimes,” he said. “Lola gets confused about what she wants. It doesn’t take much to set her straight. Come tomorrow, she’ll go right back to hating you. Did you know that? She hates you because she thinks you hate her.”
I still didn’t answer. There was no need. Ryan had a destination in mind, and we would get there without my input regardless.
“She’s too pure at heart to see the way things really are,” Ryan spat. “Not like me.”
I met his eyes then, and mine burned with shame.
“Do you really think I haven’t noticed the way you look at her when she’s not paying attention? Or that you use any opportunity to step up and be her white knight all while acting as if it’s such a huge fucking inconvenience.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied.
“Sure you don’t.”
We were both quiet for too long, and I didn’t know what else to say. Ryan was right, and there was no point in trying to deny it.
“It doesn’t really matter,” he said finally. “Because I know you don’t have the balls to do anything about it. That isn’t the point I’m trying to make here.”
“Then what is it?” I asked.
He slapped me on the shoulder like we were square then. “The point is you need to get laid, and I’m going to help you do just that tonight.”
I’d resolved to chaperone him for the night. The next day, I would talk it over with him again. I would apologize for being a fuckwit and tell him I’d stay away from Lola for good because that was the best thing for everyone. But I never got to make that promise.
Ryan was dead by the end of the day.
Sitting here with Lola now, I wonder if I really could have left her alone. Or if my guilt has only ever hindered my ability to do what’s best for her. She doesn’t know her worth, and she never has. She doesn’t know that she could do so much better than the likes of Tom or me or any other guy that she might meet online. Nobody will ever be good enough for her. Nobody.
“I’m sorry that he hurt you.”
Lola turns to me, her eyes still red and puffy from crying. Dried mud is smeared across her cheek, and her hair is a wreck from when I fucked her. I want to do it again, maybe even right here, but women like to talk about their feelings, and this is what Lola needs right now.
“He hurt you too,” she says. “He hurt a lot of people. What he did was selfish.”
She’s still bitter, even after all these years, and that’s how I know she isn’t over it. For whatever reason, Ryan’s actions have cemented the belief in her mind that she isn’t good enough. I’d tell her differently, but she wouldn’t believe it. Especially not from the likes of me.
Lola stares out at the water, tapping her fingers against her thigh. “In the end, I was beginning to wonder if he could even recognize the truth. Everything felt like a lie.”
“But you stayed with him.”
Hard blue eyes meet mine. “Don’t say it like that. Don’t talk about things you don’t know. Just because you were his brother doesn’t mean you know the whole story. You couldn’t possibly know the details of our relationship. The only thing you ever knew was what he chose to tell you.”
I don’t know what to say when she’s like this, so I choose silence. It seems better that way because at least she’s finally being honest.
“I tried to break it off,” she whispers. “More times than I can count.”
