Page 26 of Tap Left
I start to reason with myself the way that addicts usually do. After last night, I know that my time with him is limited. And maybe, just maybe, if we keep doing this, I will finally purge him from my system once and for all. The longer it goes on, the more likely it is the inevitable will happen. The thrill will wear off. The shiny new thing I thought that I wanted won’t seem so appealing when Daire’s worst qualities begin to sink in. And when that happens, we can just go back to the way things were before.
Only, it sounds a lot easier said than done. I told him things wouldn’t get weird. But how can they not?
This isn’t some guy I met in a bar. It’s Daire. We have too much history between us, too many unresolved feelings and painful memories. We’re both too proud to admit that we resent the other. And when you mix guilt and blame and anger with intimacy, it can only end in disaster.
But the truth is I don’t think there’s even a question. I’m caught up in it now, for better or worse. I’ve tapped into a long-repressed craving, and I want more. I want to ride this storm out and hope that in the end, I’m strong enough to withstand it.
Another ping and I check my phone.
ThatGuy:
How about a deal?
LolaB:
What sort of deal? It doesn’t involve any human sacrifice, does it?
ThatGuy:
You’re funny. And cute. #winning
LolaB:
Butter me up all you want. Still not agreeing until I hear the terms.
ThatGuy:
Smart girl. Okay here it is, I’m going to be upfront with you. I’m a busy guy. The next few weeks are a bit crazy for me since I’ll be working overseas. But here’s my proposal.
We exchangemessages (as friends do, you already agreed to that part, no backing out now) for the next three weeks. When I’ve wrapped up this project- and proven that I’m not nearly as insane as the other dudes on here- we meet.
What do you say?
Iburymy face beneath my pillow and take shelter in the darkness while I try to process my thoughts. I like this guy. He has a carefree personality and the conversation is easy, and yet I feel torn.
Three weeks.
That means three weeks to get Daire out of my system. Realistically, I know there needs to be boundaries. A firm end date will keep me grounded before I spin too far out of control. It’s the right thing to do, but it doesn’t make it any easier.
LolaB:
Okay. Yes. Let’s plan on that. But what I said still stands. Act crazy, you get the boot.
ThatGuy:
Lola… I promise to be nothing but a perfect gentleman.
Wink, wink.
9
Daire
She comesto my office on command. And I like this new arrangement of ours, ordering up Lola like an afternoon snack.
The man in me is struggling to be a gentleman. I want to do every filthy thing I can think of while I have the chance. I want to act out the twisted fantasies that have poisoned my brain for so long. I want to hate fuck her and degrade her and then do it all over again. Before she kicks me to the curb and runs off to find her prince.
She’s standing in the middle of my office, one foot poised to come closer and the other keeping her rooted to the spot. Her emotions are written all over her face. The torment, the want, the confusion. They reflect my own feelings right now, and somehow that makes it better.
