Page 69 of Tap Left
Love?
It seems like a strong word. That’s a debate for another time because Jimmy has more to add.
“How many times have you disappointed her? How many times have you called her up sloppy drunk and acted like a dipshit?”
I shrug. It doesn’t matter what I say because I have no defense. They are right, and I know they’re right, but it isn’t what I want to hear right now. “Too many to count.”
“And you still can’t commit to the idea of making a life with her, but you want her to hang around and play the game by your rules.”
“That isn’t it,” I argue. “Lola took me out of the game a long time ago. I’m just trying to—” I stop because the truth is, I have no idea what I’m trying to do anymore.
“She isn’t going through this hell for years because she doesn’t care,” Grazi says. “That is an excuse, Adrian. If you can’t see that she cares for you, it is only your fault.”
I feel a headache coming on, and all I can think about right now is a drink.
“Grazi’s right,” Jimmy declares. “You think you two have some complicated relationship because of Ryan, but it’s only as complicated as you make it. If the two of you don’t pull your heads out of your asses and stop using that as an excuse to hold each other at arm’s length, it’s going to be the thing that tears you apart.”
It’s scary sometimes how perceptive Jimmy can be. His words have so much truth to them that I don’t waste my breath trying to argue.
“Either love her or let her go,” he tells me. “That’s the way it has to be, kid. You’ve been going in circles for years with this girl. If you can’t step up and be the man that she deserves, then you need to let her be with someone who will.”
I don’t like the sound of that, and he knows it.
“Truth hurts.” He shrugs.
With that final blow, I lay my napkin on the table and stand up. “Thank you for dinner, Grazi. But I need to get back to work.”
It isn’t an insult to them. It’s my way of tapping out when I’ve had enough. When I come here, I always get the truth. Sometimes, like tonight, it isn’t an easy one to swallow. But Jimmy and Grazi know I’ll always be back. Without them, I’d still be trying to drown my troubles at the bottom of a whiskey bottle.
“Next week,” Grazi says before I go. “Same day and time. Don’t be late, Adrian.”
“I’ll be in to check on you before then,” Jimmy adds.
I nod.
They can see me slipping. I don’t want to disappoint them, but sometimes I think that’s all I’m capable of.
27
Lola
While Daire was blowingup my phone the day I snuck out of his apartment, the last three days have been nothing but radio silence. It shouldn’t bother me, but it does. I want an explanation for the text on his phone, but I’m too afraid to ask. It’s childish to fear a truth that might hurt too much, but we’re all childish sometimes.
Either way, it makes no difference because it already hurts. We are down to the wire on our original deal, with only four days left. Four days before total demolition. No matter what we’ve told ourselves, things can’t go back to the way they were. We won’t be friends. We won’t be anything. This horse is dead, and Daire and I just keep on beating it. We’re good at hurting each other, but we’re not good at loving each other.
I stew on it for hours while I watch sappy rom coms and stuff my face with chocolates on the sofa. And when that doesn’t work, I call up Mellie and ask if she’s game for an impromptu girl’s night.
“On a Tuesday?” she asks.
“Yes.”
We meet at the karaoke bar, my choice.
Mellie doesn’t know that I came here with Daire or the events that transpired that night. She doesn’t need to know that to notice something’s wrong. I’m already three shots in by the time she finishes her first drink.
She grabs the fourth shot before I can take it. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing. I just want to have some fun. Let’s do karaoke.”
