Page 28 of Forgotten
There are photos of Ash, photos of Ash and I and photos of just me. Photos of us together and alone, corny snaps of us mid-kissing and of Ash asleep everywhere: on a grey couch, only his boxers; on a rocking chair, a book in his lap; on a gingham blanket, in the middle ofapark.
Much to my surprise, I discover a couple of photos that Ash must have taken nude. At first, I don’t click on those, a strange feeling in my chest telling me I should not break my best friend’s privacy.
Then I go back and select one, because fuck it. This is Ash and apparently, this is not only my best friend. This is my partner. My lover. Mine.
I allow myself to stare at his thin form, his long legs and his pale skin, the freckles on his chest. He’s standing in front of a full mirror, phone held up to take a picture of himself and he looks as if he’s just gotten up. I have a million questions. Is that our room? Where was I? Pushing them to the side, I follow the line of hair thatleads from his chest to his lower belly and then evenlower.
When you grow up with someone, it’s inevitable you’ll see them naked. I would lie if I said this is the first time I’m seeing Ash without any clothes on, but this is the first time, according to my messed up brain, that I’m actually seeing Ash naked. Light headed, I stare at him and stare at his blue eyes and stare at his hips until I startimagining how he felt against me earlier, how weightless he would be over me and how he must look on all fours for me. I scroll away from the naked photos furiously, a little breathless, and end up on a photo of toast with butter and jam.
I take a deep inhale but it’s too late now, and I shift my legs uncomfortably. Another deep inhale and, as my heartbeat is just calming down, I switch back and forth between naked Ash and the toast until my eyes hurt and I’m not sure anymore if I’m horny or hungry or both. I might be horngry. Is that even a word?
Locking the phone away, I rest it on my lap face down. Ash is my best friend, but he’s also naked, inside my phone. How can these two things be real at the sametime?
I open the photo app again, this time looking for something else. Anything else, like this, here. It’s a video of Preston, one of Ash’s friends from university. Preston has always been jealous of Ash and I’s friendship, and for the longest time I’ve been jealous of theirs. In the video, they must be on vacation, somewhere warm. Preston is wearing a pink Hawaiian shirt and is sitting on a sandy beach. His pink towel is matching the pink shirt. Behind him, the sea is blue and peaceful.
“Take your time, Pres.”Someone is zooming on Preston, who is wheezing, trying to catch his breath.
“It’s just, there’s no way. Ash-Ford. Ash-Ley. Ford-Ash.”More laughing, Preston is bent in half.
“Whatever, dude. I’m not breaking up with him just ‘cause you can’t find a ship name.
“But Ash, bestie, I need a ship name. I need to ship as much as I need to breathe.”
And then, Preston’s big eyes widen and he looks right into the camera. The phone is trembling in my hands but I cannot pause the video now.
“Fuck, fuck, I got it. Ash! I got it! Berg-hale. No, wait, shit. Bhale? Ah!”Preston slaps his hands on his naked thighs and he shouts,“Haleman!”
Ash is giggling.“Haleman. Okay.”
“I am. A genius.”
“Yes, you are. Let’s get you some water, genius.”
And then, of course, there’s pictures and videos of a little girl. Thousands. I hesitate and then start playing one of the most recent videos and there I am: Ford from 2024. I’m lying in bed with my arm stretched up, Winnie pushed up in the air. She is screaming, delighted.
“Look at them, mister and miss ‘I’m so tired, I’m going to bed’”Ash is speaking, behind the camera.
“I’m tired.”I yell, swinging Winnie from left to right. Her laugh is deafening but I don't lower the volume of the phone. In my arms Winnie babbles her made up words happily.
“You two are unbelievable.”Ash scoffs.
In the video, I lift my head to look at him.“What are you gonna do about it, then?”I challenge him with a smirk that looks achingly genuine. The camera shakes and wobbles as Ash runs to the bed and throws himself to my side. The screen goes black but I can still hear as Ash threatens to tickle us until sunrise. In the video, I start giggling uncontrollably and Winnie shrieks and squealsand Ash’s words turn into kissing sounds. In my hospital room, the temperature is rising.
I throw the device to the side, but it’s too late. A sudden throbbing and then, cramping. I close my eyes and feel the weight of my brain as pain spreads to my whole body.
This isn’t a dream, this isn’t a prank. Great. 2024 is real. And Ash, Winnie and I are real. So beautifully real. I need it to be real.
I keep my eyes closed, waiting patiently until the nausea is gone and I stop feeling like going to sleep forever. It could be minutes, it could be hours, before I finally blink my eyes open and there’s new light coming into the room.
One of the nurses has left breakfast at the table and I feel strong enough to hop off the bed and take a walk. I break off a piece of bread and my lower belly growls at me, reminding me that I am human and alive and recovering, even if not in the way I wish I was.
I stop by the window and I wonder if I could open it, let the air in. I wonder if the world outside has changed completely too, just like mine has. I bet it hasn’t. Leaves are still green, sky’s still blue.
And maybe it’s just what it is. Things change but deep down, they stay the same. Walking back to the bed, I find the phone and study it. I think twice before clicking on the messages and when I eventually do, Ash is the first name I see pinned at the top.
There’s a blue heart emoji next to Ashley Bergman’s full name and I smile at it. Still the same, but not quite.That’s enough difference for me. I type out a message quickly, before I can change my mind.
(Me) When are you coming over?
