Page 71 of Forgotten
I’m thinking of starting to teach some classes alongside the PhD, and the idea of being an actual professor gives me a new purpose. I don’t tell Thanny though, afraid the information will make him unhappy. And I need Thanny to stay happy.
Lately, many things have made him unhappy.
He’s discovered I meet Sydney and Darshi sometimes and he’s demanded that he be introduced to the children as Uncle Thanny. When Darshi refuses to “have that psychopath around her babies,” I have tocome up with a lie and I’m sure Thanny reads right through me.
Thanny has also discovered that Morgan has moved to Manchester and he’s decided that being friends with transgender people is okay only when they live far enough away. So I have to sneak out to meet Morgan andI don’t tell her what Thanny has said about her. Iteatsme from the inside and somehow, I know I’m betrayingher.
In the summer of 2022, Ford and I haven’t spoken in two years except that one snowy day, in January.
Not one day goes by that I don’t think about the conversation Ford and I had. Not one day goes by that I don’t think about how I’m turning precisely into my mother.
Sydney and Darshi are double parents now and they’re too busy with their actual children to take care of another immature human. Preston lives too far away to care about me and Morgan lives too close to not care about my weird behaviours. I don’t speak with my family; I don’t speak with Ford.
With each day, I’m more aware of how lonely I’m, lonelier than before I met Thanny. I know I don’t love him now, but I don’t know what to do about it.
What if I never find someone else who will love me?
I’m lost in these thoughts one afternoon, at the end of July. It’s been a rainy month, more than usual, and I know Thanny has been on edge about it. He can’t go biking if it rains. Not like I can do anything about it, British weather has a mind of its own.
I’m sitting at the dining table, laptop open in front of me on a chapter that just won’t get itself written. I have at least fifteen tabs open on different research topics and I’m thinking of going on another library run to gather more material. Sat across me is Thanny on his phone, scrolling on social media. He does this a lot, lately. He just sits by me and pretends to be on his phone, but I know he’s actually controlling me, observing what I do. Maybe he has always been doing this and I’m only noticing now.
I think back on Ford’s words.You are exactly like your mother. Making excuses for a man that is way beneath you.
They sting, but the more I mull over them, the more I believe them.
I wish I could speak with him. I wish I could tell Ford how wrong I’ve been about Thanny, how stupid I’ve been to ignore the abuse, the manipulation. I want to tell Ford that he was right, that I hate when Thanny calls me babe and sweetie and anything that is not my actual name. I hate when Thanny tells me what to do and what to eat and I hate when his compliments sound like he’s too insecure and I’m too wrong.
I wish the bridge weren’t so thoroughly burned, but I fear it’s too late to reach out, to fix Ashley and Ashford. If I could, I’d tell Ford that I miss him. I miss someone in my life whose affection won’t be “I love you, but” or “I love you, no matter what.”
I want to have Ford back in my life because his love was “I love you, period.”
No conditions, no reservations. No “in spite of your bits and bobs.”
And if I ever only get this unconditionality from a friend, then so be it. How do I get it back? How do I get back the entire life that Thanny has taken from me?
And almost as if Ford is reading my mind, at the end of July 2022 my phone starts ringing. His name appears on the screen and I notice the date.
I missed it. I missed Ford’s birthday again.
A whimper escapes my lips.
Thanny lifts his eyes and he looks at me. “Who is it?”
Without replying, I hit the green button on my phone. “Hello?”
However panicked, Ford’s voice sounds too good to hear. “Ash? Hello. Sorry. I don’t know why I’m calling… I just, hum. Can I come over tonight?”
“Is it him? I swear to God, babe, if that’s him, we are done. Done, you hear me?” Thanny drops his phone on the table and he stands up. He walks over to me and looks at me displeased. Aggressive. Unprovoked.
Covering the phone with one hand, I push Thanny away from me and it’s the last straw. It’s easier than I would have thought. I straighten my back and he’s so much shorter than I am. Why was I making myself smaller for him?
“Get the fuck out of my house,” I order Thanny, and then I take a deep breath and speak into the phone in the calmest voice I can utter while the world around me explodes. “Of course you can come over,” I tell Ford and his small, “Thanks” breaks my heart.
Thanny looks at me disappointed and hurt, but I cannot care less at this point. I need myself back. I need my friend, the only relationship I thought I would never give up. The person who’s shaped who I am by just being supportive and understanding. I must beg for Ford’s forgiveness, I must have him back. And once I do, I need to start getting my entire life back, too.
I walk out and I lock myself in the kitchen while Thanny paces around the house, making phone call after phone call and yelling words I don’t care to hear. I make myself a mug of tea and then walk outside with a pack of cigarettes and smoke one, two, three, until the tea is empty and a door slams.
My phone vibrates with an incoming call then and when I see it is Thanny, I reject it. A message follows.
