Page 70 of Forgotten
Ford is taken by surprise, and he stands in the middle of the streets, baffled. “You stopped replying, Ash. What was I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know. Do anything?”
“This is not my fault, Ash. You disappeared.” Ford points his finger at me and the words burn more out of his mouth than out of Sydney’s.
“Why do you think that is? Thanny found out that you and I kissed in high school and he was not happy about it.”
Ford rolls his eyes. “It was high school, fuck’s sake.”
I put my hands up in defeat and they’re burning inside of my gloves. Around us people walk by, going on with their lives as if nothing is happening. Meanwhile between Ford and I, everything is happening.
“So you decided to give me up, just because your first boyfriend said so?”
“I-”
But Ford doesn’t let me speak. “No, shut the fuck up. You were my best friend. I know people come and go, but you and I? I thought we didn’t do that. You are my family, Ash, always have been. And you dumped me. Abandoned me.” Ford bites his lip, but doesn’t add anything.
“I didn’t dump you,” I say the words but I can’t even believe them myself. Looking into Ford’s wounded eyes, I know he doesn’t believe them either.
“You were my family. After my mother, you...” Ford repeats and the fire inside of me burns.
I snap at him. “Your family huh? Do you see me like a brother, Ford?”
“What? Fuck, no I don’t.” He looks at me in confusion, as if he’s not recognising me or what I’msaying. I don’t either. Words just come out of my mouth unfiltered, uncontrolled.
“Well there you have it,” I tell Ford. “The reason why I couldn’t see you anymore. Why I cannot see you anymore. You mean too much to me, you’re worth too much.”
“So you choose him?”
“Who else am I going to choose, huh? Thanny’s the only-”
“Stop fucking calling him that. His name is fucking Jonathan, Christ.” Ford sounds hurt, angry and disappointed, a dangerous mixture that I’ve never heard in his voice.
I scoff at him. “You sound like Vicky.”
“Well, you sound like an arsehole, Ashley. Who the fuck even are you?”
Who am I?
I am a man standing in front of who once was his best friend, in the middle of the street. Under the snow. Other than that, I have no idea who I am either. “What is that supposed to mean now?”
“I thought you’d be different, Ash. Look at you. I thought you’d been able to rebuild your identity. I’d hoped that despite the role models you had, you’d become someone else. Instead, fucking look at you. You are exactly like your mother. Making excuses for a man that is way beneath you.”
“I’m nothing like my parents.” I fight to keep the tears in, feeling as if Ford has just punched me.
With a final step back, Ford looks away and pushes his hands deeper in his pockets. “Keep telling yourself that,” he says and then he walks away.
???
July 2022
Afterwards, there’s no casual meeting anymore.
I have no idea how it’s possible to live in the same town as someone and never meet them nor anyone they know. For a while, I wonder if Ford is avoiding me. I check the settings on my phone to see if I have shared my location with him, but I have not.
For months we don’t see each other again, and Ford doesn’t text. I don’t text either.
I don’t tell Thanny that I’ve met Ford but he must sense something is off with me because he spends most of his evenings at home and only leaves when he’s gotwork.
