Page 68 of Forgotten
“I heard you earlier, in the park,” Ash says carefully.
There it is. I gulp down, thinking of my conversation with my dad. “What did you hear?”
He simply raises his eyebrow and crosses his arms, and I know instantly.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m just trying to make sense of allthis.”
I try averting Ash’s gaze but he’s staring at me and the hurt written on his face makes me sweat. I start bouncing my legs and hold my right arm to my chest, massaging the muscles around my injured elbow.
“I don’t even remember a life without you in it. My family… you know how little I speak with my mother. My dad’s everything I’ve ever had. And now, I wake up and there’s a whole bunch of you waiting for me. You and Winnie and… You know how my brain works, always removing the bad stuff. But you, your memories are all there. Good or bad, you have always been there. My best friend, my whole life.”
Ash frowns, his body rigid on the metal chair. “Not all memories are there.”
“Exactly.” My voice cracks, growing louder. “So forgive me for trying to come to fucking terms with the fact that apparently, out of everything I could have forgotten, I forgot you. I don’t know how to fucking remember you!”
Ash doesn’t say anything, only raises his head to the starry night and then lowers it back down immediately, as if blinded by the idea of infinity.
“Somehow, you are all I forgot,” I repeat under my breath, feeling the tightening in my throat.
Clutching his chest, Ash hunches over, his long back curving downward. “I see. And here I was, thinking we were making progress.” Barely a whisper. Defeated and insecure.
“I’m just trying to be okay with the fact that I lost my best friend.” I wish my voice sounded clearer. I wish I wasn’t choking back tears.
“You did not lose me, though. I’m right here.”
And I don’t have the heart to explain to him that it’s not the same thing. Having Ash as a friend and having him as a boyfriend is not the same. There must be a difference, a deadly contrast.
But the more I try to find it, the less sense it makes. I can’t explain it to Ash, because I don’t believe it myself.
There had been a time when I thought I had lost Ash for good. This is nothing like that.
Chapter 22
2022 - Ashley
January 2022
In the winter of 2022, Ford and I haven’t spoken in a year and a half.
The day after we moved in, in 2020, Thanny made very clear that he was not a fan of me being friends with someone I’d kissed.
“What about Morgan and Preston?” Thanny asked.
“What about them?”
“Have you ever made out with them?”
I shook my head honestly, and then Thanny asked about Sydney and Darshi.
“Are you gonna ask about my brothers next?” I said and Thanny grabbed my wrist forcefully. He must have seen the fright in my eyes because as quickly as he squeezed, he released it.
“Uh, sorry, Ash. I just get really jealous. Please, will you stop meeting with Ford? Do it for me babe, please. You know I love you.”
I don’t, in fact. That was the first time Thanny told me he loved me and I believed him. I needed to believe him, needed to have a reason why I was uprooting my entire life. So I did what he asked. In 2020, I ignored Ford’s texts for months until he eventually stopped texting completely.
At the end of 2020 I began a PhD in English literature and even though Ford was the only person I wanted to tell about it, I didn’t.
Months turned into years, and eventually I told myself I didn’t need Ford. I had other people in my life and if not having Ford made Thanny happy, it had to be done. I was going to be fine.
