Page 66 of Forgotten
Fuck him.
???
An hour later we’re strolling by the duck pond. The sky has cleared and the rain has stopped but the air smells like autumn already. The first leaves are turning shades of orange and red, some of them already hitting the green grass. This park has always been my favourite park in Sheffield and walking here with my family feels surreal. Or, well. Our family.
My dad and the Bergman twins are talking about football, the three of them leading our small group. I’ve never seen Martin and Edwin smile this much, never heard this many words out of their mouths. I can even recognise them, now. Edwin has longer hair, almost as long as Ash’s, bleached blonde. Martin on the other hand has a long beard, something that none of the other Bergman brothers has ever been able to grow properly. I bet he’s proud of it.
Behind us, Erik and Pippa’s mom are chatting amicably while Winnie and Pippa chase each other unsteadily around them. Little Pippa must be around the same age as Winnie, with pale skin and fine blonde hair. She’s yelling that she wants braids like Winnie’s and Winnie is trying to rip her hair out to give them to her. Their happiness makes my stomach ache.
“How’s Teddy? She’s not visiting this time?” Pippa’s mom is asking Erik with a smile. I recognise her short hair and long lashes and I’m a little disappointed she’s not shown up with shortbread. She must be in her earlytwenties, but the lines around her eyes tell another story: single mom, working two jobs, living with her parents.
Erik’s face splits into a grin. “She’s doing alright, thanks. Incredibly pregnant.”
I turn to Ash slightly, but he’s already looking at me.
“Theodora is Erik’s girlfriend. Teddy. She’s expecting twins. Hum, Erik’s twins,” Ash explains.
“At least it’s not triplets,” I comment.
“Martin and Edwin are pushing for twin girls.”
I open my mouth to say something but then Martin and Edwin appear on either side of us.
“What can we say,” one of them starts.
“We love Winnie. We need more girls around,” the other twin finishes.
Ash nods and I look around at the little family we have created: me and my dad and the Bergman brothers. For years after the divorce, I blamed Mom for leaving Dad, for choosing to start a new life with someone new and then again with someone else after that and eventually, with no one at all.
Deep down I’ve always known my dad would have liked to have more children. Seeing him around Martin, Edwin and Erik, I have no doubt that he’s made them all better men. I don’t need to ask Ash what’s happened with their parents. I see the way the four Bergman brothers are looking at my dad. They look at him like he’s their dad. Like he’s the best dad.
Gregory Hale has been a lifeline for everyone around him. The same way he’s made Ash better, I have no doubt he will make Winnie better. And as his son, Icould never hold the comparison. Ashford Hale, a mess of crippling anxiety and talent for fucking up. And what if I fuck up this as well? What if I fuck up this relationship like every other I ever had? Or worse, what if I fuckupWinnie?
As if sensing my stress, my dad catches my eyes and hints for me to come closer. I leave Ash’s side and he gives me a worried look, the shadow of something unspoken hanging between us. I brush it off, blaming my broken brain.
Ash and I are fine.
“How are you holding up?” Dad asks me, quickly putting some distance between us and the group.
I wait until everyone is a couple of steps away and then, like it often happens, I open my mouth and let the stream of consciousness out. I’m not scared. Dad will know how to sort it.
“I’m not.” Kicking a rock on the path, I look at my feet. “One minute I have everything under control and I get these flashes. It makes me hopeful, like I will remember everything the next second. And then everything vanishes into nothing and I have no idea what I’m doing with Ashley, with Winnie, with my entire life. I look at Ash and he’s everything I want and I have all of these feelings that I don’t know how to control. Around him I’m myself but I’m also this other person I cannot recognise. I don’t know how to be a boyfriend, Dad. I don’t know how to be his boyfriend. He’s my best friend, how am I supposed to just accept this? I need myfriend, not a boyfriend. I never had any other real friends, only him. I must have been crazy to let him go.
“And did you know my medical leave ends next month? What the fuck am I going to do then, how can I go back to work if I have no idea what my work is in the first place? How am I supposed to be a dad if I cannot even support…”
I pause, feeling my dad rest his hand on my arm. He’s not walking anymore and is leaning towards me instead, enveloping me into his arms. I remember a time when my dad was taller than me and I was just a little boy, head tucked under his chin. Now I’m as tall as he is and my hands are as big as his and I hold onto his shoulders, regretting not wearing the sling. My right arm burns with the effort of keeping my dad close and I break. My vision blurs and I choke on my tears and I feel crowded, chest heavy.
Dad doesn’t let go. One hand holding me against him, one hand caressing the curls that are just like his. He keeps me close until I can breathe again and I pant into his shirt. “Fordy?” he whispers.
“I know, I know. I’m seeing my therapist on Monday.” Thinking about how fucked up I am, I almost want to laugh. How could such a perfect man give birth to such a mess? I blame Mom, blame her for everything.
“It’s not that.” Dad guides me to a bench and in the distance, I see Ash and his brothers, Winnie and Pippa hanging around Pippa’s mom. From far away Martin, Edwin and Erik look incredibly similar. Tall, long legs,broad shoulders. Almost like triplets. Twin A, Twin B and Twin C.
“You know how proud I am of you, right? When me and Lily split up, I was so worried about you. I thought you’d never be able to recover, create your own family. But you always had Ash. I knew you were never going to be alone. That man loves you, Ford. And even if you don’t remember the how or the why, I can see that you love him. Even now.”
We both look in Ash’s direction and in that moment he turns to us. From far away, he looks like that child who wanted to play with us, wanted to be saved. He’s fidgeting with his hair and when he catches us staring he faces away quickly.
“Same goes for Winnie. With that father, I never would have imagined Ash to want children. But he did. He does. With you. And when Winnie came to you, she healed something. She healed you from your mother and my divorce and she healed Ash as well as Ash’s brothers. I don’t think you need to worry about being her dad, Fordy. She already decided she’s your daughter. Look.”
