Page 31 of Forgotten
The next hour I spend giving a complete summary of my current situation to my therapist. I tell him about the accident, about the amnesia and about the panic attack. I’m honest about the overwhelming feeling of not knowing anything, anyone.
Dr. Bakari asks me a number of questions.
Where am I? I think I’m in Sheffield, England. I have been living here since university and I love the city. It’s the perfect size, has the perfect amount of pubs and Ihave no reason to believe I have moved. I even like the sweats I get when walking up and down the stupid hills.
What am I? I have no reason to think I’ve changed jobs and Ash hasn’t mentioned anything specific. Dr. Bakari recommends speaking with Ash about my job as this might help gaining back some sense of self. Out loud I wonder if I’m still playing the guitar and writing music and Dr. Bakari smiles at that. If this is part of you, he says, then it is still what you are.
Who am I? The straightforward answer is I’m Ford. Almost thirty. I wear black because I’m too lazy to wash colours separately, I like sports and I don’t eat meat. The more complicated answer is that I am Ford. Almost thirty. I’m a partner and a father. I choke on the last word and Dr. Bakari asks me the next question.
Why are you a father? The question sends me on a spiral. I don’t know, I never really thought much about it. I have no idea how I would agree to adoption, I know nothing about raising kids. Noticing my distress, Dr. Bakari asks me another question.
Why are you in a relationship with Ash in 2024? This I don’t know either, but I can imagine why. I have questioned my feelings for Ash more than once in our friendship. The same way I have questioned Ash’s feelings for me. This relationship is the least surprising of it all, I tell Dr. Bakari.
Finally, he asks me about the panic attack and together we go through my coping techniques when I’m feeling I have no control. Dr. Bakari reminds me to be kind to myself in this very particular situation.
“As you gradually get your memories back, it will often feel as if you have no control. You have no say over what your brain chooses to retain and what you will gain back. Right now you feel as if fatherhood was not your choice but rather something that is disrupting the balance you had in 2022. Try to find comfort in the fact that you are the same person in 2024 that you were in 2022 and in 2023. You are the same person that has fallen in love with Ashley and has decided to adopt a child with him. The present might appear intense and oppressive to you but try to remember that the memories are still your own. What now seems out of your agency was exactly what you once chose. With time, you will remember why.”
After I close the call with Dr. Bakari I rub my eyes, feeling completely wiped out and empty. I have not spoken with this many people in weeks and I’m feeling dizzy, almost drunk. I eat my dinner then lay back on the bed, trying to muster the strength to ring my mother.
In the end, I don’t call her.
The days are getting shorter and it is darker in the hospital room. Pulling up the covers to my chin and higher, I hide my face from the world.
In the morning, I find that two texts from Ash are waiting for me. Checking the time, I see he has sent them very early.
(Ashley Bergman Blue Heart) Morning Ford, sorry but I won’t be able to make it back to the hospital today either. Been dealing with our social worker.
And shortly after…
(Ashley Bergman Blue Heart) Got any plans Thursday?
I read them both and chuckle, alone in my hospital room, just because my best friend made a joke. Clearly I must have also forgotten how to act cool in the accident.
(Me) I’ll have to check my calendar.
Could I sound any lamer? Sheepishly I add another message.
(Me) Actually, I might get discharged Thursday.
(Ashley Bergman Blue Heart) Well then it seems we both have plans then. Still missing me?
My fingers hover over the device before I convince myself to answer.
(Me) Embarrassingly so.
And it’s the truth. I’ve never liked being away from Ash.
Chapter 12
2012 - Ashley
“How am I supposed to come out to my parents?”
Sydney doesn’t answer me. Instead he dives deeper in the river leaving me alone with my thoughts. He resurfaces minutes later, splashing his arms in circles. “Man. Just tell them. What’s gonna happen?” There’s water leaking from his nose and his short dreadlocks are dripping down his forehead.
Sydney has the wonderful gift of making everything seem like a breezy task. You want dreadlocks but your adoptive parents have no skill? Learn how to make them yourself. Fancy a swim in the gloomy English summer? Go to the river. Afraid your parents are homophobes? Ash, don’t be ridiculous. Sydney’s parents are incredibly nice. Naturally he would think I’m blowing this out of proportion. “It’s not that big of a deal. You’re gay. They’ve got three more sons to do the straight family thing.”
Three more sons. Of course Sydney is right, but it hurts in the centre of my chest to know, not only have my brothers always been more special than me, but nowI will be giving my parents another reason to officially hate me. As if not being sporty and not caring about football and racing cars isn’t enough.
