The thoughts circle like vultures, picking at the carcass of everything I thought we had.
She loved me. She did. That morning. Before I left. Before everything fell apart.
She made me cookies. Learned my coffee preferences. Touched my scars like they were something precious instead of something shameful.
Every moment was real.
And then she left.
Not by choice. I know that. Saul took her. Relocated her. Erased her. But she didn’t fight to come back. She built a new life. A bakery. A relationship. Moved on.
I should be happy for her. I should be grateful she’s safe, she’s thriving, she’s not disappearing into beige the way she was before.
But all I feel is rage.
He’s still in there.
I get out of the car.
Don’t know why. Don’t know what I’m going to do. Just need to move, need to do something with the violence building in my chest before it tears me apart from the inside.
There’s an alley behind the bakery. I walk toward it without thinking. Away from the main street. Away from witnesses.
The alley’s empty. Dumpsters. Brick walls. The back entrance to her bakery, metal door with a small window glowing warm.
I can see the kitchen through the window. Stainless steel counters. Industrial equipment.
Her.
She’s in there. Moving around. Cleaning up, maybe. Living her life.
Without me.
The first punch connects with the brick wall before I realize I’ve thrown it.
Pain explodes through my knuckles. Skin splitting. Blood.
Good.
I punch again. Harder.
Again.
The wall doesn’t fight back. Doesn’t give. Just takes the punishment.
I hit it until my fist goes numb. Until my knuckles are shredded. Until the rage finds somewhere to go that isn’t through her door, into her kitchen, into the life I’m not part of anymore.
I hit it until I can’t anymore.
And then I sink down against the opposite wall, cradling my ruined hand, and I break.
Not crying. This is worse than crying.
This is something tearing loose inside me. Something I didn’t know was there until she found it and now it’s bleeding out with no way to stop it.
She’s happy.
And I’m sitting in a fucking alley bleeding on my shirt because I can’t handle seeing her kiss someone else.
