Page 54 of Jealous God
My teeth clashed together hard; my mouth was suddenly so dry that I couldn’t swallow. I choked. Clearing my throat loudly, I tried to sound calm. “No, thank you.”
Pushing the chair back with a screech, I stood. I was acting like a fool, but I couldn’t help it. All I could think about was the way Jax had looked at me when I told him about my doctorate and how he had promised that he would help me make my dreams a reality.
“You earned the money, Eli.” Erik hadn’t moved from his chair. He just stared at me with his steady, blue eyes.
“No, I didn’t, and I won’t take it… Tell Jax that I don’t want his sympathy money, or...” Or his sex money, I added silently. I was many things, but I wasn’t the whore he had called me at our last meeting.
Erik didn’t say a word to put me straight. He didn’t try to convince me that it was from him and not Jax. Because he wouldn’t lie to me, not to my face anyway. “It’s not sympathy money, it's...” He waved his hand in front of his face. “It's from all of us, not just Jax. We want you to be able to finish—”
Turning on my heel, I moved without pause towards the door. I could see Chance rise from his seat as I tugged it open. His face was confused. Anxious almost.
“El?”
“I’m done here,” I told him through gritted teeth. Glancing behind me, I speared Erik to the spot with my eyes. “Thank you for your kind offer, but I can’t accept it. I am not a charity case.”
My words were icy, so I tried to soften them with a smile. “Please say hello to the band for me.”
I swept out of the room, passing Chance, who looked as confused as I felt, and towards the elevator. I had known going to see Erik would be a bad idea. I had known, and yet I had gone anyway, and for what? For Erik to shove an envelope full of money at me like that made what Jax had done and said better.
Jax was a rock god. He probably fixed all of his problems with money. But this was one he couldn’t fix. Even if he begged me on his hands and knees to forgive him, I wouldn’t want to hear it.
I wouldn’t...
THIRTY-TWO
Jax
I’d been to my fair share of parties over the years, probably more than my fair share, but I’d never been nervous going into one. Not even when the band was just starting to be known, and we had to show our faces alongside actual rockstars. I had always felt like I belonged rubbing shoulders with the stars because, well, hello, I was born to be one.
But this party… I didn’t belong there. In Elodie’s little ground floor apartment which seemed to be nothing more than wall to wall Savage Sons, I felt completely out of place. It wasn’t even that I was nervous around them, although I should have been after how I had acted with one of their own. I didn’t even care that it was a sausage fest of epic proportions and that almost every woman I saw was hanging off the arm of a biker.
No, I was nervous because this was Elodie’s place. Which meant she was somewhere in the crowd, no doubt looking beautiful and put together. That’s how Erik had described her when I had asked how she was at their earlier meeting. Fucking beautiful and put together, and his words had cut deep. But then again, what had I expected? That she was feeling as miserable as I was? Of course, she wasn’t. Why would she be? Elodie might have been hurt by my words and actions, but she had never given me reason to believe she felt anywhere close to what I was feeling. I was to blame for that as well, because I was to blame for everything that fucked up in my life. And the first real relationship with a woman in my entire life was nothing different.
“Eli!” Dion shoulder barged past me, but it wasn’t the force of his movements that made my head snap up. My eyes narrowed as Dion’s wide back hid her from view, but I knew the slender tan arms that hugged him back.
Elodie’s soft voice seemed to float over the noise of everyone talking at once as the rest of the band went to greet her. I would have called them traitors if it wasn’t for the fact I wanted to join them. I wanted part of that bear hug, or more specifically, I wanted to pull her out of their arms and into mine so I could kiss her and tell her how damn sorry I was for messing everything up. Not that I did any of that. I just stood there with my arms hanging awkwardly at my sides.
“It’s so good to see you guys,” she gushed, and it didn’t seem fake. She was genuinely happy to see them all. “I’ve missed you.” She stepped away as she said it, and her eyes locked with mine. If I tried hard enough, I could almost imagine it was to me she was saying those words. But she wasn’t. And I couldn’t even pretend when her eyes skipped away.
“Jax.”
She nodded her head in an ultra-polite way that seemed to carve out a part of my soul. So, she could be all hugs and smiles to everyone else, but all I got was a nod? Like we were strangers and hadn’t until recently been lovers? I deserved it, that coldness, but it didn’t make it any easier to bear.
“Hi Elodie.” I kept my voice soft and low. “It's good to see you again. You look good.” I let my eyes sweep over her, appraising, lusting… I didn’t much care how she took it. I had missed looking at her. I had missed everything about her, from the way she put me in my place to the way she called my name as her nails clawed down my back. But most of all, I had missed just being able to look at her as she talked about life, about anything.
“I…uh, could we…?” I stumbled over my words, but she didn’t let me finish them. Motioning behind her with one hand, a man sidled up to her side. He was tall with wide shoulders, and his dark hair was streaked with grey in a way that made him look roguish but not old. She looped her arm through his and leaned on him.
“Guys, have a great time. I should probably mingle.” She smiled sweetly up at the man, and he smiled right back at her before turning his eyes on me. One look and I knew he knew who I was. The biker with the VP patch on his cut looked me up and down with a curl of his lips. He didn’t need to say a word. He thought I was a fool. He thought I wasn’t worthy.
And he was right. I was all of those things.
I wasn’t going to argue with him over his idea of me. What might cause an argument was the way she was clinging to him like he was her life raft in a stormy sea.
“Can I talk to you a little later, Eli?” Louis asked.
She nodded her head enthusiastically, and my smile slipped to be replaced by a frown. So, she could give Louis a few minutes of her time, but not me? What could Louis have to talk to her about that was so important?
“Of course you can. Come and find me whenever.” She flashed another darling smile, but this time, it felt forced. Almost like she was doing it for the big man's benefit and not mine.
