Page 80 of Blue Norther
Her eyes finally opened, but I still couldn’t breathe. Because I couldfeelthe fear rolling off of her.
“I haven’t felt him move today.”
My eyes dropped to her belly, the blood in my veins frozen at her whispered words.
“What do you mean?” My hand slid over her bump and pushed hers to the side as I pressed down, waiting for the kicks I’d laughed about so many times over the last few weeks. But there was nothing. Not a kick. Not a roll. Not a hiccup. Just…nothing.
“He was quiet this morning, but I got caught up in the baby shower and everything that happened after…I forgot to pay attention and then I realized I hadn’t really felt him move.” She choked out the words before more tears came. “He’s not moving, Colt.”
Panic crested over me like a tidal wave. I took a breath, not wanting to upset her more.
“Babies sleep. Maybe that’s all this is.”
Violet shook her head, her breaths shortening so fast I tried to figure out how the hell I was going to calm her down so she didn’t hyperventilate.
“Don’t they move less as they run out of room? I feel like that’s something I heard Jessie talking about before Beckett was born…”
“No,” she sniffled. God, the tears were killing me. “That’s a myth. Babies should always be active and any change can mean something’s wrong. I-I did this wrong. I should have told you instead of trying to do kick counts! There’s only ten minutes left and I think I felt him…maybe once or twice…but I can’t count that because…I…don’t…know….”
I couldn’t take it anymore. I was up off the side of the bed, scooping her up into my arms before I think she even took another breath.
“Colt—”
“No, baby. I’m taking you to the hospital. Have you called the doctor? Did you talk to Birdie?”
“No.”
“Okay, I’ll do that on the way then. But we’re going to go check on him. We’re going to go see that he’s fine, and you can finally breathe.”
Her head tucked in the space between my neck and my shoulder as her arms wrapped around my neck. The heat from her fast breaths warmed my skin. I was down the stairs twenty seconds later, grabbing my keys off the table by the door and slipping my feet into shoes before another minute passed.
“My shoes! And we need the hospital bag,” Violet tried to protest, but I wasn’t about to fucking let her out of my arms.
“I’m not wasting time. I’ll carry you into the hospital. I’ll carry you up to Labor and Delivery. I’ll even carry you back to the car when we’re all done and they’ve discharged you because he’s absolutely fine. Consider me your own personal chariot. You don’t need to worry about shoes.”
Violet
This was all my fault.
I finally let myself believe I was going to get to hold my baby. I told myself no gifts, and I’d let the girls convince me to do a shower. I got cocky, flippant, and I should have known the universe would balance that. I told myself over and over again that I’d curse everything if I started to believe…How could I be so selfish? So careless?
My hand tried to come up so I could rest it on my belly, but Colt’s was already there. Big, and warm, and pouring strength into me as he drove us towards the hospital in Bell Ridge. Normally a thirty minute drive, at least, Colt was going to make it there in half the time, I had no doubt. He’d turned his lights and sirens on, and wouldn’t hear a word of my protests.
And I was grateful for that.
As much as I wanted to try and feel movement from anywhere I could, I settled for placing my hand on top of his. From the corner of my eye, I watched the tension bleed out of his shoulders as my touch grounded him. God, even after all this time, our presence near each other settled the rough edges of our souls. And that should scare the hell out of me.
But it only gave me hope.
“Will you…when we get there, will you call my dad? After we know what’s going on. I’ll need him here if…”
“Of course.” Colt’s jaw ticked like it did every time he was worried. It was easier to focus on my own heartbreak, to think of the ways losing our babies before had torn me apart until I couldn’t recognize my own reflection. There was no way that I was strong enough to think about how much losing another baby would break him. What if I only came back into his life just to truly destroy his heart? Oh, God. My free hand reached up to brush away the tears that were spilling over my lashes. “Vi. Goddamn it, don’t cry. Everything’s going to be okay.”
The way each word came out choppier and more raw than the last should have scared me. But it didn’t. Especially those last words. Because after everything we’d been through, they only served to fuel my anger. “You don’t know that. We have just one week left. One week, Colt. And it’s going to happen again. Every time before, it’s?—”
“Every time before isn’t this time, sweetheart. It’s all working out. You’ve made it this far, all on your fucking own. You’rehis mom. You’re going to hold our son in your arms. And he’ll be warm, and rosy, andbreathing. He’ll be beautiful, and he’ll bealive.”
There was so much I wanted to say. Every fear, every doubt clawing up my throat and burning to escape, but I swallowed them all down.
