Page 13 of The Roguish Baron
The sudden fury she stirred in him caught him utterly unawares. Before he could think, he’d caught up with her, snatched her by the arm, and spun her toward him. “You know nothing of my situation, Sophia. How dare you judge me?”
“I judge you with the knowledge I have in my possession. According to what I have read, you are a flirt, a seducer of women, a rake of the highest—”
“Careful,” he gritted. His hold on her tightened and he took some pleasure, perverse as it was, in watching her eyes widen with apprehension. Satisfaction coursed through him, bonding with the tension she’d pushed through his veins. “I am not the heartless bastard you wish to paint me, Sophia.”
She raised her chin, defiance evident in her expression. “Release me.”
Still reeling from the accusation she’d spoken against him, he did as she asked without hesitation. The words - the pure contempt with which she’d said them - hurt like nothing else.
Worse was the realization that he had caused this. Four years ago he’d set out for two distinct reasons: to get away from his father and to make Sophia lose interest in him. And he’d succeeded. But having to face the woman who’d once gazed upon him with awe and adoration when she’d been a child only to realize he’d lost her trust and respect was like a thousand lashes across his heart. It felt as though he’d been cut wide open and was having salt pushed into his wound.
This was a situation of his own making, and he had no one to blame but himself.
Acknowledging this, he chose to say nothing more on the matter. Instead, he gestured toward her basket. “Allow me to carry that for you.”
She glanced in the direction she’d been heading and spoke without looking at him. “I think it might be best if you went home. I’d rather walk alone.”
An awful sense of loss swept through him. His throat tightened in response and it became hard to breathe. She was pushing him away and he sensed that if he let her, it would mark the end of their friendship. No matter how much he’d wronged her, regardless of the mistakes he’d made where she was concerned, he could not let her ruin the one thing he valued above all else: knowing she’d be there, no matter what – a constant in the madness of his life.
He stilled on that thought. Was this why her engagement to Edward upset him so? Because it heralded change? Because his childhood friend was moving on without him? Not Edward, but her. And if so, had he not taken her for granted, to suppose she wouldn’t – to imagine he could return at any time and pick up where they’d left off? That everything would stay the same?
His chest ached as he realized he’d put the most important relationship he’d ever had in jeopardy. She was his best friend. Sophia, not Edward.She’dbeen the one with whom he’d always felt the strongest connection, the boisterous girl with whom he’d gazed up at the sky in search of peculiar cloud formations, the imp who’d clapped with glee when he’d shown her a new magic trick he’d learned, and the one person he’d always looked forward to seeing above all others whenever he’d come home from school on holiday.
She mattered to him more than anyone else and rather than give her respect, he’d ignored her out of fear - fear he might not be as indifferent to her as he’d told his father, fear he’d want an impossible future, fear he would end up spending the rest of his life with someone who wasn’t Sophia.
“I can’t let you walk alone,” he said, more determined than ever to stay by her side. “It wouldn’t be right.”
Her reluctance was evident in the flattening of her mouth. She sighed. “Fine. As long as we don’t have to talk. My head hurts from all the arguing.”
He rather agreed. And since he’d always found pleasure in sharing silences with her when he’d been younger, he took no issue with her request. In fact, he was glad of it, since it gave him a chance to gather his thoughts. And there were a lot of thoughts, all of them buzzing about his brain while he trudged along beside her, leading Star by the reins.
Eventually, having circled back to the comment she’d made about him being a rake, he decided he had to say something. “I never ruined anyone, you know.”
“Sorry?”
It sounded like she’d been deep in thought. Her quizzical expression confirmed this. So he added, “That’s what rakes do. They’re scoundrels who take advantage of naïve young girls, luring them astray and then abandoning them to the repercussions. I don’t do that, Sophia. I only flirt a little with some of the debutantes, mostly to boost their confidence. The…um…the women I’ve…um…entertained, were either widowed or…”
“Or?” she asked when he paused to consider his words.
This was a delicate subject. It wasn’t the sort of thing a gentleman broached with an unmarried woman. And yet, he sensed being honest would help reduce the rift between them. So he bolstered himself against the shame of addressing such personal details of his life with her, told himself he had to for the sake of their friendship, and said, “There are unmarried women who seek to improve their situation by exchanging favors of an intimate nature.”
“You refer to whores?”
He choked on the air he was breathing. “Not entirely. Some are ballerinas, opera singers, and actresses. Women who wish to be independent while still enjoying the company of men.”
She cut him a look and raised an eyebrow as they reached the opposite side of the field. The Scotts’ cottage came into view roughly one hundred yards away. They’d be there soon, which was good since the clouds that had been in the sky when he’d left Eastgate earlier had darkened.
“From what I understand there were married women too. Other men’s wives?”
He swallowed. “Yes. Well. I can’t deny my dalliances with Lady Preston or Lady Laxonberry.”
Sophia shook her head and scoffed. “And yet you seek my approval. Well, you shan’t have it, Jack. What you’ve done is wrong.”
Jack was sure the church would agree. But things weren’t always as black and white as Sophia wished to make them. “One should be wary of judging others as swiftly as you are inclined to do. Have you ever met these women or their husbands? Do you know a single thing about them?”
“Of course not.”
He grabbed her elbow and drew her to a halt. “Sophia, you know me.”
