Page 50 of Rafferty's Rules
‘Want to send him a dick?’
‘Whatever do you mean?’
Chapter 14
RAFFERTY
‘Just what I said. Do you want to send the dick a dick?’
‘Like a fake one?’
‘Well, I wasn’t suggesting we acquire the real thing.’ The thought is enough to make my balls ache. ‘Don’t you want to send the bellend a bellend?’
‘Bell—Oh.’ Her cheeks turn delightfully pink. ‘I get it. Well, for a little while, I wanted to chop his off.’ She makes a one-handed slicing motion in the air, disturbing Cat the cat who, for a bag of scrawny bones, has the attitude of a little prince. ‘But it didn’t last for long once I realised I wasn’t mourning our relationship. It was the time I’d wasted on a dream that wasn’t real.’
More profundity. Are women really that much more self-aware?
‘My old mum is fond of saying, what doesn’t kill you makes you—’
Lissa snorts. How come even that’s cute? ‘I don’t think I’m ready for Nietzsche’s platitudes.’
‘I wasn’t offering you one.’ Nietzsche has nothing on my old mum. ‘Anyway, she says, what doesn’t kill you usually gets you released in three months on a good behaviour bond.’
‘Revenge? Your mom sounds like a hoot. I’m looking forward to meeting her.’
I find that she’s not the only one looking forward to Mum’s reaction, even though due to my own fucked up actions, I’m still not exactly looking forward to being home, maybe because I feel like I don’t deserve to be in the bosom of my family.
Ugh.
A sudden shiver wracks my whole body. I sniff and shrug, sitting straighter in my chair, brushing off the shiver brought on by the word that makes me want to heave.Bosom. I don’t know what it is about it that makes me want to run away and hide because in general, I like tits.I like Lissa’s tits, my mind offers as she lifts the kitten farther up her chest, snuggling him between her—not gonna say it—tits.
‘So, do you want to send him a dick, this ex of yours?’
‘What?’
‘We can send him a dick—a chocolate one. And you can write a card telling him to choke on it.’
‘Is that even a thing?’
‘Have you been living under a rock? The company has been splashed all over the internet.’
‘I’ve kind of been busy.’ I don’t miss the strange note in her tone as I open the webpage on my phone.Busy wedding planning, probably.
‘You can send him The Dong, or maybe this one,’ I suggest, pointing at the smallest one. ‘Tiny Tim.’
‘Oh, my goodness, I wouldsolove to do this, but I’ll have to wait until I get my credit card.’
‘Nah, this cock is on me,’ I find myself answering. And we both end up rolling around in laughter.
We eat Thai ordered in, thank God for Deliveroo, then open a bottle of wine from Riposo Estates this time. Once the plates are cleared and the wine is almost gone, we order a mega dick to be delivered to her ex’s office, no less, as she wonders aloud if he’ll actually eat it.
‘Would you?’ she asks. ‘If an ex sent you a penis made from chocolate?’
‘Not on your life, bite-sized.’ She seems to have an almost visceral reaction to her pet name, one of pleasure.She looks like a bird fluffing her feathers.
‘But it’s chocolate,’ she demands, her head tilted to the side as though it won’t quite compute.
‘I know. It’s also a dick.’
