Page 21 of Beneath the Helmet
“That’s because it has been. Tree wouldn’t let us hang out, remember?” I spit with an unintentional bite.
He pauses on the other end of the line, a silent tension pulling taught between us.
“Well, she’s out of the picture now, and I miss my best friend. So, how ‘bout it? My parents are still out in the field. We can play video games in my room, or we can hang out in the back pasture and star gaze on the wood pallets by the barn?”
One of my favorite pastimes with Ben has always been gazing at the stars in the field until late at night; especially in the fall when it gets cold. He always gives me his sweater, so I stay warm too. Then I insist that he take it back when he starts shivering and he always swears he isn’t cold even though I see the goosebumps.
Hm…That does sound nice but ugh, I’m already showered and in bed.
“Thatdoessound great. It’s been way too long since we’ve hung out together doing our favorite things, buuuuttt, I’m already in my PJs and showered, so I don’t know if I feel like getting dressed and driving over. How much would you hate me if we hung out another night instead?”
His calm breaths resound through the line. “Are you avoiding me, Char?”
My head jerks back in surprise at the forward question. “No? Why on earth would you think that?”
Oh, probably because you ran away from him in the parking lot like a crazy person, Charlotte. Duh.
“You haven’t asked me to hang out in forever. Normally after Tree and I break up, you’re the first one to reach out and ask for a hang out like old times. Now lately you don’t even text me back half the time-”
“Because I forget!” I interrupt quickly.
“You never used to forget. Then today you completely avoided me after school. Was it because of Jared? Was I interrupting something between you two when I walked over?”
“Wha…no! What are you talking about? Jared and I are just friends. Just like you and me are. I don’t understand where this is coming from. If anyone has been acting strange lately, it’s you.
He huffs out a harsh breath over the phone.
“What, Ben? What’s the problem here?”
“Char, I…” he stops mid-sentence.
Anger bubbles underneath the surface, stemming from confusion and the constant mixed signals he’s been giving me lately. What is this? Is he playing games with me, or what?
“Wearefriends. I’m sorry, I’ve just been going through it lately, and I haven’t really had anyone to talk to about it.”
My anger softens. Is that pain in his voice? His parents are typically busy on the farm and they’re not the “let’s talk about our feelings” type of folks. Why didn’t he talkto Tree or call me if he needed to talk that badly prior to this conversation?
“I’m sorry that it feels like I haven’t been there for you. That wasn’t my intention. But with you and Tree being practically back together, I figured if I asked you to hang out outside of school, you wouldn’t want to or be allowed to.” My stomach sinks as the image of them kissing resurfaces. I freakin’ hate this.
“We’re not together,” he replies quickly.
“Bu-”
“We’re not together. We haven’t been together for a while. I told you that already,” he says fiercely, cutting me off.
“You did, but your actions say otherwise. I don’t understand it. Like, why’d you kiss at Pop’s pizza or even bring her there on what looked like a date if you weren’t together or considering getting back together? You said you were friends with benefits so I assumed it was just a matter of time until you got back together anyways,” I aggressively spout, trying to get the words out before he can cut me off again.
“Listen, I was being stupid. She wanted to keep dating, so I tried but I couldn’t do it anymore. There’s a bond I can’t explain with her. I kept holding on to it not because I wanted to but because it felt like my only choice.” He sighs deeply. “I know I feel connected to herlike this because I lost my virginity to her, but it sucks. I don’t want anything to do with her anymore, but that feeling, that bond is what keeps bringing me back to her.”
Hearing him voice those words directly to me makes it more real, more vivid than anything has so far. The image of them tangled up in the sheets has my stomach twisting in knots. They have a closeness I’ll never be able to have with him, and that realization sucks. It really freakin’ sucks.
I can’t help the bite in my next words.
“Well, how would I know any of that? You cut me off and left me like I wasn’t important to you. Once you had a gorgeous girl on your arm, you forgot all about me. You never even asked how I felt about you two dating or how I was doing once you blocked me. I was left to wonder if you even cared about me at all anymore.”
I was standing now, death gripping the phone from the anger surging through me. How dare he make me feel bad, like he’s the one who was hurt. He didn’t care about our friendship or else he wouldn’t have just cut me off and tossed me aside for sex with a pretty girl.
What a hypocrite.
