Page 57 of Sparktopia
But all the same.
Little copies, doing our duty.
Always poised, always proper, always polite.
In other words:Don’t take up too much space in the room. Don’t call attention to yourself. Don’t stand out, blend in.
Finn is like this as well, but in a different way. He is obedient, and passive, and deferential. He is traditions, and habits, and routines.
Which isn’t the man I remember in my head.
He was always dutiful, but he was daring too. Always honorable and honest, but unconventional as well.
In the time we’ve been apart, he’s changed. And it’s confusing. I guess that’s my point. Because of course he’s changed. I’ve changed too.
It just breaks my heart that today, of all days, is the one where I realize I don’t know him anymore.
I’m crushed. And I feel hopeless, and helpless, and defeated.
I get in the shower, wash, and get right back out, wrapping myself up in a luxurious cotton towel as I swipe my hand through the fog that has collected on the mirror and stare at my pretty, but ordinary, face.
I’m frowning. And this brings forth a collection of shallow lines around my eyes and mouth that I don’t remember being there the last time I looked in the mirror.
Which just makes me sadder. That I gave up my youth to a god in a tower who now wants to take the rest of me too.
A knock on the bathroom door makes me jump. “Clara.” Finn’s voice comes across as steady, and even, and detached. “It’s past six. I need you to come out so I can help you get dressed.”
It’s past six, Clara. Why are you taking so long? The god is hungry and you need to make yourself pretty for him.
I sigh. Because as much as I want to hate Finn for his…professionalism,I hate myself more for not being able to live up to the Maiden motto.
Every Maiden who has gone in to that tower has done it with her chin up. Brave, and steady, and with a sense of purpose.
Do I really want to be the Maiden who goes in frantic, and wild, and delirious?
Haryet was terrified, yet she showed up, she ate dinner, she danced, and then, when the time came, she walked proudly through those black doors.
She was nothing but brave.
“Clara!” Finn’s voice is louder now and there’s a little bit of emotion in it. But it’s not desperation or regret. It’s anger, I think.
I turn from the mirror and the idea that I have been wronged, even though I’ve been living like a princess these past ten years, fills me with a new kind of anger. Something I don’t recall feeling before. It’s packed with seething, turbulent resentment.
I walk to the door and open it up. Finn takes a step back, like he wasn’t expecting me to give in so easily. But then he smiles and places his hands on my shoulders. “I know this is hard. But I’m here for you. You know that, right?”
I do. But I can’t bring myself to say it. So I don’t. I just shrug off his hands and walk over to the dressing area, dropping my towel to the floor. “What about my hair and makeup?”
His eyes are far too busy taking in my body to answer, but when they finally meet mine, they are not thinking about hair and makeup. They are hungry with lust.
I consider the idea that we have sex one more time before the end.
Then toss it aside.
He just… doesn’t deserve me. That’s my conclusion right now. He simply doesn’t deserve me. So it’s not gonna happen.
“Finn. Focus.” I snap my fingers at him. “I need hair and makeup before I can get dressed.”
“Do you want me to call someone in?”
