Page 41 of The Moon Blessed King
‘It isn’t much. I couldn’t do much of anything. Just writing some things down. It probably won’t make any difference at all.’
‘It’s still kind,’ he offers, but she doesn’t take the praise for what it is. ‘Are you all right?’
‘Fine.’
‘Please don’t lie to me.’ She shakes her head, crosses her arms. He spent the night managing one crisis with Elician; he doesn’t know how much energy he has to confront another. But he will find the strength. One way or another. ‘Fen…tell me.’
‘Anything I tell you is going to sound mean.’ The excuse is as weak as her insistence she is all right.
Cat asks, ‘Since when have you ever cared about that?’ with less patience than she deserves.
Her face flushes in anger and he winces. That was very poorly said. ‘Is that really what you think of me?’ Fen asks.
‘I think you often speak your mind without fear of consequence, and as such you tend to be one of the more truthful members of court. It’s why I liked these…’ He motions to her papers. ‘If it really is what you feel. It’s a gift to be so brazen.’
‘It doesn’tsoundlike a gift.’
‘Some of us are not used to being so free with our words,’ he excuses. ‘I’m not afraid of what you might say. Tell me.’
Fen opens her mouth to issue another lie, then stops. She chews her bottom lip. She glances around the empty inn, lowers her voice. ‘Since the battle, all anyone has let me do is sit in my brother’s room. Look after him. Take care of him. Like that’s all I’m good for. I started working on these again because there was nothing else to do. He wasn’t going anywhere or doing anything, and I…I just wanted todosomething. I wanted to make a difference but I haven’t done anything at all.’
‘I couldn’t have gained control of the army if you hadn’t destroyed those pendants,’ Cat reminds her. She waves it off.
‘A few seconds. I didn’t get to do anything afterwards.’
‘Those few seconds made all the difference, for a lot of people.’
‘You’re not listening to me.’
‘I am, but you’re not giving yourself the credit you do deserve.’
‘I want to help. I want tokeephelping. Not do one thing one time and say it’s done. And the one task I did have – watch over Elician – that suddenly stopped mattering the second he woke up. You were the person he wanted to see. Lio too. It’s not me. It’s never going to be me and…’
It’s a hard thing to love someone so much and know deep in your heart…you are not their priority.
Harder still that Cat hadn’t even realized that was the case. Thatat some point Elician’s attentionhadbeen more focused on him than his own family. He knew certain things in the abstract: Elician ate with him in their room, or office, rather than with the others. They spent their days together, their nights. Lio was there, almost always, as a guard and as a confidant, trading off places when Cat left for other obligations. But when had Fen ever been given the time? A few moments in the morning, rushed updates and reports in the halls. Cat can’t remember when they last spoke of anything aside from work. ‘I’m sorry,’ he tells her. ‘We’ve been busy.’
‘I know. I’m not achild. I told you it wouldn’t make me sound good. I understandwhy. I just…I want to be someone people can depend on. I want to be someone you can trust when things go wrong. Not…notalwayssecond best.’
‘There is something that only you can do that I do need your help with,’ he says. He has been putting it off, has not known what to say or how to go about it, but if she is willing…he will ask.
Her eyes widen, hopeful and sincere. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. The Reapers—’ Any pleasure at being included in a task fades at the mention of his kind. She scowls, and he presses onwards. ‘I want to ask them if they would like their faces healed, and if so…if you would be willing to remove their scars.’
She shakes her head, tense and uncharitable. ‘If you do that, no one will know what they are.’
‘Yes.’
‘Cat, peopleshouldknow what they are.’
‘Why?’
‘Because they’remonsters, Cat. They murdered almost forty thousand people!’
‘With the help of the Alelunen army. You cannot tell what the soldiers did by looking at them. Should we brand them too?’
‘Theycan’t kill anyone just bytouchingthem!’
