Page 117 of Love Overboard
Still, I shook my head, a full-body shake rocking over me. “I… I don’t understand.”
“That makes two of us, Firefly,” Finn said on a short laugh. “I don’t even know where to start. I hate myself for what happened between us two years ago. I’ve tortured myself these past two months just wondering what would have happened if I would have asked you to be with me in the offseason, if I would have told you sooner about the restaurant, if I wouldn’t have thought I was so fucking smart with my grand plan to get you to fall in love with me and abandon everything else you care about.”
“I was young and stupid, too,” I told him, my eyes welling with tears. “I was just so proud. I couldn’t stop the anger long enough to be reasonable. I wanted to hate you because it was easier than admitting I was hurt.”
“I hate myself enough for the both of us for hurting you.”
I shook my head, but Finn kept on.
“And I’m sorry for not doing something sooner, for not pulling my head out of my ass the second I saw you and realized nothing about the way I felt for you had died. I was just… fucking confused. Scared. I didn’t want to hurt Gisella, even though I knew it was inevitable. I didn’t know where you stood, if you would even hear me out if I tried…”
His eyes dropped to our joined hands, his thumbs brushing lightly over mine as he searched for the right words.
“And all those times I was a dick to you in the beginning — snapping, picking fights, lashing out over stupid shit like dinnerservice — that wasn’t about the job. I was reeling. Seeing you again wrecked me. I didn’t know how to function with you that close when you weren’t mine. It was like fate had slammed us back together but locked the fucking doors. I felt trapped by my own choices… and by how badly I still wanted you.
“I thought you hated me, and you had every right to, but then we’d have these little moments, and I thought… maybe not. Maybe she feels the same way I do. But then I’d do something stupid, and I was so fecking defensive.” Finn rolled his lips together, then shook his head with a breathy laugh. “You turn me into a bleeding eejit, you know that?”
I choked on something between a sob and a laugh, and the corner of Finn’s lips curled up, his eyes dancing between mine.
“But during that dinner service with the chef on board, when I broke down, when I lost control…” He swallowed. “You saved me. And I realized right then that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I realized it didn’t matter who I hurt or what anyone watching this bloody show would think of me. I realized I couldn’t let the possibility of you shutting me down keep me from putting myself out there and telling you how I really feel — not again.” He shrugged. “So, at the beach…”
Fire licked along my spine at the memory — his words by the water, his hand on the back of my neck, his tentative touch when he thought no one was looking, when we were covered by the shadow of night.
But acid scorched my throat when I remembered what happened next.
“You were drunk,” I said icily. “And you kissed Gi not even two seconds after you wrecked me with your touch.”
“She kissed me,” he corrected. “And I broke away as soon as it happened. I also explained why she did it in the note I gave you.”
I blinked. “Note?”
“The note? That I slipped under your door the next morning?” Finn frowned the longer I went staring at him like he had a screw loose. “Shit… tell me you got the note, Firefly.”
I shook my head.
“Fuck.” He tore one hand from me long enough to run it through his hair. “Gisella…” He tongued his cheek, laughing to himself and shaking his head before he turned back to me. Finn took my hands in earnest then, his eyes locked on mine. “I had already broken things off with her, Em.”
My next breath lodged in my throat. “You…what?”
“That night after the dinner disaster. I took her up on the sundeck and told her I couldn’t do it anymore. She tried to talk me out of it, thought it was because she’d kissed Cameron, but I assured her I would have felt the same regardless. We talked for hours. We cried. I care for her, Em, I do. She was there for me at a really vulnerable time in my life. I didn’t want to hurt her. But I couldn’t let her think I still felt the same when I knew I didn’t, when my every waking thought was consumed by you.”
I was speechless. My wheels spun faster and faster as I tried to track through everything. “But at the beach… she was talking like you—”
“Were still together? Yeah. She wasn’t ready to let anyone know. She begged me to wait a few days, to let her do it on her terms. She wanted to have a big breakup where she was the one who called things off. I told her she could do whatever she wanted.” He shrugged. “Like I said last night — I’ll be the bad guy. I don’t fecking care. As long as I have you.”
My jaw was unhinged but I couldn’t think of a single word to say.
“I thought she’d do it last night, make a big scene or whatever, but she didn’t. So yeah, she was still hanging on me, still stealing a kiss here and there. But she knew where I stood. She was just using me for whatever game she’s playing at.” Heshook his head. “I still can’t figure it out, but I respected her enough to at least try to let her have it the way she wanted it. But then I saw you tonight with Eli, and I…”
Finn’s nostrils flared, his Adam’s apple bobbing as his eyes darted between mine.
“I fucking lost it, Em.”
“I wanted you to,” I confessed.
“You think I don’t know that?” He laughed a little then, reaching up to thumb my chin. “It was a dare. A challenge. And I knew as soon as you walked outside that I was over all the pretending. I didn’t care what Gisella wanted anymore. I was done with the games. I was going to kiss my girl and I was going to get her back — cameras and public opinion be damned.”
Sparrow wings tickled my stomach as the corner of my mouth lifted. “Your girl, huh?”
