Page 55 of Madam Temptress
Magnolia
Moses kneels beside me on the carpet and wraps his heavy arm around my shoulders, but I can’t look up. Not when I’m falling apart.
Grief, the likes of which I’ve never felt before, tears through me with its angry claws, shredding my insides to pieces. I’m afraid to open my eyes, because I’ve never experienced this kind of pain before without being broken and bleeding.
I don’t want him to see how shattered I am right now.
Goddamn you, Bernie. Goddamn you. You knew it was the end, and you didn’t hold me close and tell me you loved me. You didn’t tell me you were sorry for throwing me out of your house when I was sixteen. Goddamn you for leaving me. You were the only family I had left. Damn it, I mattered to you, but you never gave me the words, and I didn’t know, until this moment, how badly I needed them.
My sobs, pitiful sobs, fill the air, and Moses holds me closer, anchoring me to his strength.
Goddamn you, Bernie. I loved you so much, and I didn’t tell you either. Why didn’t we just get over our stupid pride and tell each other all the things that really mattered?
“I’m here, mama. Cry it out. I got you,” Moses whispers in my ear as he rocks me back and forth.
“She didn’t ever s-say she was sorry.” I manage to get the words out, punctuated only with a few hiccups. “She put me on the street when I was sixteen, and ... and she never told me she regretted it.”
“Oh, baby. No. You know that woman lived with regret every single day of her whole fucking life about it. You know she did. She had to. She loved you. You know it deep down.”
I shake my head, blinking the tears out of my eyes so I can see his face. “She never said it, though. I didn’t know I was waiting for it. I didn’t know I needed it. But now I’ll never get it.”
Moses crushes me to him with an embrace that holds me together. “You felt it. She felt it. That’s why she didn’t have to say it. She knew you knew.”
My tears soak his shirt as gut-wrenching wails take over.I did feel it. I believe she regretted it too. But I still wanted to hear her admit it.
I lose track of how long we’re on our knees, but when my tears finally dry, Moses is still wrapped around me, keeping me from splintering apart.
I rise, and he comes along, sitting beside me on the bed. I gaze into his green-gold eyes. “She was the only family I had left, and now she’s gone.”
The tears burning behind my eyes don’t spill over this time, but I feel them there all the same. Taunting me. Telling me I’m not strong enough to get through all of this at once. Telling me the grief will win if I let it.
“You’ve got family, mama. Right here. I’m with you to the end. You and I are ride or die. And my boys are your family too, if you want ’em. They’ll drive you fucking nuts, but they’re here for you. And Keira, she fucking loves you like a sister. You have family. Doesn’t matter if they don’t share blood. In the end, blood doesn’t make you closer. It’s about who you love and who loves you back.”
I blink back wetness again as I think about what he said. About who loves me and who I love.
“I love you,” I blurt out, not sure why, but I have to say it that very second.
“I know you do, mama. And I love you so goddamned much. We’ll get through this together. First one minute. Then one hour. And then one day at a time.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, my head pounding like twin drums. “I just can’t believe she’s gone. I swear, she lived to disapprove of everything I’ve ever said or done.”
“She wouldn’t have disapproved if she didn’t care,” Moses says with a small smile.
I think of all the arguments Bernie and I had over the years. If that’s any indication, then she cared a whole hell of a lot.
“I’m going to miss that old bat something fierce. There are days I would’ve sworn it wasn’t true. But, goddamn it, I loved to rile her up. God, I’m going to miss that too.”
Moses pulls me closer and lifts me up to sit across his lap, with his arms holding me tight. “Of course you will. But I’m pretty damn sure it wouldn’t have mattered when this happened. It would have always been too soon. That’s just how it works.”
I lay my cheek against his chest and let him hold me while I soak up his warmth and strength. “You learn all that from losing your grand-mère?”
Moses sweeps the hair away from my face and tucks it behind my ear. “Yeah, that taught me a hell of a lot, even if I didn’t go the right way with life after she passed. It’s been a long damn time since I had blood family in my life. Which is why I know the family you make for yourself is just as important, because that’s all I’ve got left.”
I peek up at him as he swipes his fingers across my cheeks once more to clear away the tears. “I’m so sorry you lost her, but I’m really glad you found a new family too. I don’t know what I’d do without you right now.”
A ghost of a smile touches his lips. Just enough to give me hope that this dark, oily emotion churning in the pit of my stomach and leaking into my chest won’t last forever. Because right now, the hold it has on me feels stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before.
“We’ll make it through this together, mama. I got you. I’ll hold you together, no matter what.”
