Page 102 of Hunter's Hidden Camera
I lower my face until it’s right in front of Oscar’s. I close my eyes. I press my lips gently against his. He does not resist. He surrenders. He gives back.
We kiss.
44
Prayer
I’m being pulled away from Oscar, pulled away from his lips. Nash has grabbed me by the shirt collar, and he tosses me violently onto my side. My glasses fly off of my face, but I manage to grab them before they roll too far away.
I put my glasses back on and look up. Nash, survival knife in hand, stands over Oscar, who has his hands pressing down against the cut in his stomach. Approaching all of us quickly are Nikolai and Tate.
Nikolai points at Oscar. “This is the boy? This is the boy who stabbed me in the neck? Who almost killed me?”
Nash nods. “Yes.”
“You didn’t finish him,” says Nikolai.
Nash kneels down. “He got away.”
“Finish him,” Nikolai insists.
Nash is shaking. He might be a drug dealer, and he might be an integral part of Nikolai’s operation, but it’s clear that hurting people, killing people, is not in his job description.
But despite all that, Nash says, “Okay.”
Dear God:
We both know that I’m not that religious. Hell, I’m not religious at all. I’m not even sure if you exist. But just in case you do, I’m going to use this moment to say a few things to you.
I know I’ve done some bad things. Really bad things. Secretly recording my brother. Posting his videos on a porn site to make money. Also invading his girlfriend’s privacy. Intending to post videos of her too. Luring guys online with dirty talk and perverse promises so that they would give me even more money.
The whole time I was doing it, I knew it was wrong. I tried to justify it by saying that I had a shitty family. My parents were dicks, and Nash didn’t act brotherly. I felt so alone in a house full of people. I know now there is no justification for my actions.
I also tried to make up for it by being a nice person, buying people things, acting like an all-around good guy. But I guess all that wasn’t enough to absolve me.
So I understand I’m now being punished for it. The awful part is not so much me getting hurt. But people all around me, people I care about, getting hurt. That’s the worse thing about this punishment. I do wrong, and it’s other people who are most affected.
Please forgive me for what I have done. I will go to confession and admit my sins. I will say sorry to Nash and Alessandra amillion times. I will give them all the money I made. I will never do anything like this ever again. I promise.
But perhaps my greatest wrongdoing is not valuing my own life. I know suicide is a mortal sin in the eyes of the Catholic Church, the church most of my family belongs to. And here I’ve been, playing around with suicidal thoughts like they were nothing.
I’ve hated myself so much for being gay. But now I see that it’s been one of my greatest blessings. Because of my homosexuality, I am able to experience a very special, a very profound, love towards Oscar.
For the longest time, I was obsessed with my brother. Originally, I had thought it was because he was so handsome and charismatic. But what I was actually drawn to was this false image of his goodness, his perfection. Of course, all of that was a lie. When that image dropped away, I finally began to recognize real goodness. I’m finally seeing Oscar for who he really is. Yes, Oscar can be a clown and rough around the edges and “unenlightened” in certain areas. But he’s learning. We’re all learning. His authentic self, what’s in his heart, eclipses all of that.
I will right my wrongs. I will value my own life.
Please let Oscar live, dear God. Please.
Amen.
“Don’t you fucking dare!”
I turn my head, and I see Manny standing on the sidewalk, a gun in his hand, aimed directly at Nash. Behind him are Carlos and Blanca, holding things they probably found in the trash bins of other houses: a discarded ceramic dish and an empty bottle of wine.
Nash, hunched over Oscar, doesn’t move.
“You might think I’m too far to hit you,” says Manny, “but you’ve never seen me shoot before.”
