Page 168 of Deprived
“I choose to believe otherwise.”
I square my chest. “Believe what you wish. I know what I am. I’m reminded every goddamn day. I don’t know how to be anything else. And I don’t want to.”
A sadness clouds her eyes as she peers up at me. “You don’t have to be anything else. You’re…” she trails off, her throat bobs.
I wait, the breath caught in my lungs, afraid to escape in case I miss her next words.
Finally, she sighs. “You’re not the worst person I’ve ever met.”
The air shoots out of me in a sharp exhale. “I guess that says a lot more about the people you’ve met than it does about me. I’m pretty fucking bad.”
She laughs despite herself, although it’s laced with despair. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”
“Come on, we’ve used enough water to fill a swimming pool now.”
We step out and I wrap her in a towel first then myself and we walk into the bedroom. I pull out some fresh clothes for us. We dry and dress and when I turn around, I see her staring.
“What about that one?” she asks quietly.
“What one?”
She wrings her fingers in front of her. “The tattoo on your back. The angel wings. The date. That one doesn’t look sinister.”
My gut twists itself into a knot so tight I’m sure I’ll throw up.
I avert my gaze. “We’ve had enough heart-to-hearts tonight, Elodie, I draw a line at that.” Thankfully, my voice remains soft, even though I want to scream.
“Is it for your mum?”
I close my eyes. “Please.” The word sounds so desperate and pathetic I grimace at myself, gritting my teeth before gathering composure. “I can’t talk about any more death.”
I open my eyes and see the understanding on the face. She nods, eyes drifting away from me.
Silence falls over us, then we just… hover.
God, this is so awkward.
I rake fingers through my wet hair. “Listen, Elodie… I know we don’t sleep in the same room, but I’m going to sleep in my bed tonight. You’re welcome to stay, of course, but if you feel weird I’ll put you up in one of the spares.”
She shrugs. “Doesn’t bother me. Not tonight. I’m on the floor, anyway.” She walks to the side of the bed and kneels, arranging her blankets.
I bite my lip, fiddle with my snakebite a little before climbing onto the bed and getting under the duvet.
We lay there in silence, the gravity of this entire fucking day and night crash landing on my conscious in a matter of seconds. What a fucking whirlwind. Which just ended up with us in a shower together. I scrub my face. The shower did offer me what I needed it to. I needed the closeness, the connection. I think she did too. But now I’m up here and she’s down there, it feels too far apart again. I feel too far apart from everyone and everything.
I know if I asked, she’d say no. Whether because she doesn’t like the mattress or me in it, but she wouldn’t join me.
I’m going to regret this so much when my senses return. I fling the covers off and lower myself from the bed and squeeze in the small gap between her and the bedframe. She tries to turn to look at me but I nudge her shoulder forward.
“What are you doing?” she whispers.
“I’m not sure.” I stick my legs under her blanket and the heat from her body hitting mine is immediate. It instantly calms my nerves.
“You can’t sleep on the floor.”
“You can’t sleep on the bed.”
“So what are you–”
“Elodie, please.” I sigh as I mould my front with her back, snake an arm under the crook of her neck and hook it around her chest, my other arm coming around her waist and bring her into me. “Just… stop talking.”
To my absolute shock, she does. She falls silent and I listen to our quick breaths fall in sync as our heartbeats settle down together.
We have a lot to figure out. A hell of a lot of questions to answer. Between us and our families. It’s going to be long, and it’s going to be tiresome. But right now, there’s solace here on my bedroom floor this morning. In this new connection, in this new sensation of being with her and not having her bite my head off and not wanting to do anything to her but lay here. I don’t want to question it; I can’t even fathom it. Whatever it is, it’s keeping all the other bullshit at bay and for once my mind sounds quiet. There’s a calmness settling into my bones. A deep serenity that I’m determined to cling on to for as long as I can before anything else can ruin it.
I don’t know what the future holds. Or what tomorrow will bring. I don’t know if this is a turning point for us or just another step in the same perilous direction of us hating each other. All I know is I kind of like lying here with her in my arms.
So, for now, I just close my eyes, and I fall asleep to the steady rhythm of Elodie Valor’s breaths.
