Page 91 of Don't Tell Me How It Ends
He’s looking at me like he expects something from me. Like he wants something from me, needs it even.
It makes me want to run.
So that’s what I do—emotionally speaking.
“What are you even doing here?” I say, like that’s what matters after everything Ro’s just told me.
“What am I doing here?” he parrots, and for the first time ever I wish he’d stop smiling. “What a great question, Kai. WhatamI doing here? Why am I standing here with a bag of food foryouthinking you and Zo might be hungry, whileyou’reout here on a date. That’s a great fucking question.”
He’s not yelling when he says it, but that almost makes it worse.
“Can you stop? I get it, you’re mad I went out with him. But you’ve known the whole time that I was doing this for Zola. I agreed to these dates before we even met! And it’s not like this”—I wave my hands between us—“is even a thing. You’ve hardly talked to me in weeks.”
“I’ve been chasing you around like an idiot since the day we met. Trying to figure out what you wanted, how slow you needed me to go. I stopped for a few days, to see if you’d come to me for once. Which you didn’t, by the way. But I’m still here tonight, because I can’t stay away from you. Even when I try, I can’t.”
I am so not in the right headspace for a grand fucking gesture right now.
“Ro, I can’t do this.”
“Well, maybe if you’d ever just let go instead of trying to predict every worst-case scenario, you’d have time todo this.Or at least to return a fucking text.”
And apparently there’s more he needs to get off his chest.
“God, you’re so scared.”
My body recoils like he’s hit me.
“I thought you put up all these walls to keep the bad guys out, but that’s not it, is it? You build ’em to lock yourselfin.So you don’t even have to try. You’d rather be right and alone than admit you don’t have all the answers.”
I take a step forward on unsteady feet, shaky from the verbal assault I’m withstanding, but my next steps are surer. Into the parking lot, and away from Ro.
“You know what your problem is?” he says, like he’s finally solved the riddle.
“Oh, there’s more?” I say, walking away from him still. “Don’t stop on my account. Tell me exactly who I am and everything that’s wrong with me.”
“Careful, Kai, you might mess around and trip into your first ever honest conversation.”
“Well,” I say, turning to face him, finally. “Let’s get into it.”
He shakes his head, like he’s trying to decide if it’s even worth his time.
“You’re not doing any of this for Zola.”
His tone is too calm again. And I hate myself for the way I lean into the sound of his voice.
“It never had to be you. And it sure as fuck didn’t have to be you tonight. You spend all your time talking about what you don’t want, but you’ll do almost anything to avoid having to decide what youdo.Because as long as you’re wrapped up in whatever this is”—he gestures between the restaurant andAsher’s long-abandoned parking spot—“you don’t have to deal with anything real. Make any decisions about your own life. Nah, this way it happenstoyou. Right? And since you didn’tchooseany of it, when it all goes to shit, you get to say, it’s somebody else’s fault. That you’re living a life you hate, because Zola needed you. Or your mom. Or shit, this might even be my fault now.”
“Fuck you,” I say, practically spitting the word in his face. “I chose to be here with Asher tonight, didn’t I?Ichose that.”
I hate myself for saying it and I expect Ro to hate me too. I expect him to leave.
“Ah. Asher.” He says the name like it’s a punch line. “From my bed to the next guy. Sounds familiar. And all this time you had me convinced your dad was the bad guy.”
I rush past his words like being compared to my mom hasn’t stolen the air from my lungs. “Nobody’s forcing you to be here. If I’m so pathetic, then go.”
“You’re not pathetic.” For the first time since he got here, Ro touches me. Grabbing my wrist and spinning me around to face him. “You’re terrified.”
My hands on his chest stop the movement, but it’s not until I release my hold on him, so I no longer feel his heart raging under my palms, that my world stops spinning.
