Page 104 of The Summer That Changed Us
I love you both. Ellie, I love you like the daughter I never had, and Jackson, I hope it goes without saying that you mean the world to me, as does Milo. I’m proud of all of you. It’s something I should have told you a lot sooner, Ellie, and I’m sorry I didn’t. But you two faced something that no one wants to go through especially as children. Despite what happened, you each forged your own way in the world and made a success of your lives.
Losing a baby is not an easy thing to go through. Even adults struggle, blame themselves and wonder what they could have done differently. Believe me, it’s something I struggle with too. And I’m sure your mum is no different either, Ellie. If we could have turned back time, we would have dealt with things differently.
I’ve often thought I should have made you sit down together and talk instead of letting you run in opposite directions. At the time I thought you were coping and sticking my nose in would have made it worse. With hindsight, I think I took the easy option for myself and didn’t ruffle any feathers to keep the peace.
My darling girl, I think there are very few things harder than losing a baby that is growing inside you.
I feel like I’ve had a nail hammered directly through my heart and the pain from it radiates throughout me. Without thinking my hands drift to my tummy and they cradle it. Jackson catches the movement and there’s a pause in his reading as he swallows.
‘Are you OK? Do you want me to stop?’ His voice is low and gruff.
I shake my head roughly, not trusting myself to speak. He rubs his temple and then continues.
It changes you and how you view the world. Where once anything was possible, suddenly life feels like the rug can be pulled from under you at any opportunity. So it’s safer not to step outside your lane. Not risk getting hurt again. And although you’ve both managed to navigate your everyday lives you’ve kept a piece of yourselves locked away. I’m guessing on your behalf, Ellie, but I know it’s true of Jackson. Darling boy, you’ve thrown yourself into everything in life and got up from every knock apart from forging a relationship. I’m proud of you for that. And don’t roll your eyes at me because I know you better than you know yourself. Maybe you were waiting for the right person to come back into your life without even realising it.
When fate did bring you back together, the spark between you was obvious to everyone. And then I got in the way. Knowing I’m soon going to be leaving you all behind is hard enough, but to think I’m the cause of you still being apart now is very hard to bear. Not thatyou have blamed me one bit, Jackson, but I couldn’t keep quiet and make the same mistake again.
Jackson pauses again to wipe his hands across his eyes. There are dark hollows under his cheekbones, giving him a haunted look, and his honey-coloured stubble is mottled and dark against his skin. The back of my throat hurts when I breathe and I’m gripping on to the edge of the seat so hard my fingers hurt. He pulls the second page to the front and continues reading.
This doesn’t mean you have to be together for me. Time has passed and you are two different people now. Life does that. But to give up without talking and opening up would be a travesty. You forget I get to watch the pair of you whilst not being involved. It’s a great vantage point, even if I would like to bang your heads together occasionally.
I’m not going to tell you both how you feel about each other, even though I think I know. That is something you have to do for yourselves. You have to want to do it. Because working through your past for anything to be authentic enough to last will not be easy.
I have said this to you individually and now I’m saying again. To both of you.
You need to talk and trust each other enough to tell the truth. Tell each other how you are feeling and go from there. And if that means you go your separate ways, then so be it. But at least you’ll have no regrets.
Regrets are the ultimate waste of time. Take it from someone that knows.
Whatever you decide, I love you both to the moon,twice around the Milky Way and back again. And that will never change.
All my love,
Mum.
A stunned silence settles between us and the paper in Jackson’s hands wavers.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he blurts out awkwardly. His eyes finally settle on me and my chest tightens with every breath I take.
‘You walked away from me.’ I hold his gaze, daring him to look away.
He takes on the challenge and his eyes never waver. ‘You told me to go. What was I supposed to do?’
‘I thought it was the right thing to do.’
‘Was it?’ The muscle in his jaw pulses. ‘The right thing to leave so we gave up on each other?’
I can feel my walls going up around me brick by brick for protection. I want to snap ‘yes it was’ and run out of here to get him to back off. Save myself from having to be vulnerable about how I really feel. But I’d be lying if that’s what I told him.
I’m the one to break eye contact and I stare at the rag rug. ‘I couldn’t get hurt again,’ I say, my voice barely audible. ‘I’ve never got over pushing you away the first time. And we tried this time, and it was a mess.’
‘Ellie, I’d never hurt you. I didn’t walk away from you back then. I did the opposite and hung around for months and months until you made it plain you wanted nothing do with me. I had to move away in the end for my own sanity.’
‘I didn’t want you to care about me. I wanted you to forget about me and what I did. I thought I was doing the right thing.’ It’s my turn to shrug awkwardly. ‘Sort of setting you free.’
He gives an ironic huff of a laugh. ‘OK. Cards on the table.Because if I don’t and I lose you again I’ll never forgive myself. And Mum will kill me if I don’t.’
His lips quirk up into half a smile and they pull a small one on to my own mouth.
