Page 97 of The Summer That Changed Us
I look back down at Tippi, who’s come to meet me. She’s standing near the water, her tail wagging hard. She keeps looking up at me and then out to sea. The wind has whipped up the waves and the dark blue water is choppy and dangerous-looking.
I realise a second too late what she’s been trying to ask me because as I bend to grab her, she darts away and runs headlong into the sea.
‘No,’ I shout, but my words are dashed away in the wind and Tippi doesn’t even twitch her head in acknowledgement.
I run towards the edge of the waves, which are breaking onthe sand. The rainwater is splattering my face, making it hard to focus. ‘Tippi. Come here. Come back.’
She has no such intentions and is still cantering through the shallow waters and then, with one final leap, she bounds over the white of a breaking wave and begins swimming. I think back to Jackson’s last words about her and the fact she isn’t supposed to be in the sea yet. I watch her, my heart beginning to pound harder and faster. She looks stable enough. The sea is tossing her around a little, but her head is out of the water, the pink of her tongue striking against the moody black of the water.
Without warning, a larger wave rolls forwards and for a split second, she disappears. My chest swells and I yell at the sea. ‘Tippi. My god. Tippi.’ After what feels like forever, she reappears, except this time she looks uncomfortable and has turned her head to look at me. Before I can do anything, another large wave lands and sweeps her further away.
I look around me, desperate for someone to call, someone to come and rescue her so I don’t have to. But there’s no one. Tippi is rolled forwards on a swell of water before being pushed even further out again. I make a spur of the moment decision and kick off my shoes and roll up my jeans, then take a tentative step into the foaming water. The sea is ice cold and my toes clench upwards with shock. A high-pitched yap drives me forwards again. With each step, the icy water rises until it’s reached my knees and I pause again. This is deeper than when I was with Jackson. I take one last look around, but the beach is still devoid of people. I take another step forwards. The sea rolls Tippi towards me and I reach for her. Her wiry hair brushes my outstretched fingertips, but I can’t quite pull her to me.
One more step should do it.
I lift my foot to place it down, expecting to feel the sand squidgy between my toes, except there is no floor. My weight is unbalanced and I tip forwards, flinging my arms out to grabsomething to stop me falling. But this is the sea. My hands slice straight through to nothing. I’m plunged feet first into the salty water, my legs straining to touch the seabed as the ice-cold water envelops me. My big toe scrapes the sand and there’s a rush of relief as I raise my mouth out of the water and gasp at the air. The salty sea stings my eyes and then another wave rolls in and I’m under the surface again. I try to raise my arms above my head, but it’s like waving through treacle and the thud of my heartbeat fills my ears.
Except it’s not mine. It’s galloping along way too fast.
I stop moving to listen and my body is rolled this way and that with the motion of the sea. The heartbeat continues to drum. Its rhythm is vaguely familiar and suddenly I’m floating through the water, listening to her again like the very first time I did. Staying as still as possible while the midwife found her heartbeat and I’m staring at the screen, at the tiny flashing blip that was her heart. The image goes fuzzy and I try to hang on to it. To her.
The waves roll me this way and that until I don’t know which way is up. And I’m not sure I care.
So, this must be it.
I’ve often wondered how it all ends and now I have my answer. Maybe it’s what I’ve deserved all along after what I did. My lungs feel like they are going to explode and my head is about to split in two with the pressure. Then there’s nothing.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The fuzzy silence is almost peaceful and then hands close around my upper arms and wrench me towards the surface. My head surges into the light and I splutter and gasp at the air. I dip down and my mouth floods full of salty water. Then hands pull me upwards again and I swallow the foul water and take another gasp of air.
‘Ellie!’ The voice is faint at first. ‘Ellie!’
My ears are full of water and it’s difficult to hear anything over the crashing of the sea against my head.
‘Ellie. Kick.’
The familiarity of the voice pries my eyes open. Jackson is in front of me. Close enough to touch. Panic surges through me and I grab for him. My fingers graze his T-shirt and, encouraged, I lunge my arm at him and clutch the fabric in desperation. Using that as leverage, I manage to get a hand to his shoulder and press down to raise my mouth clear of the water. It works for a splitsecond and then we both sink below the rolling waves again and my hair swirls around me in slow motion, covering my face.
When we come back up, his voice is clearer, or I’m more tuned in, I’m not sure which.
‘Ellie. Kick.’ There’s a pause as his mouth dips below the waterline. As it re-emerges, he takes a lungful of air and continues to talk. ‘If you grab me, we’ll both go down. Kick.’
I want to tell him I can’t swim. I haven’t done in years because when Dad taught me, he scared me half to death. But that number of words seems insurmountable when it’s taking me all my time to gasp for air. I stare at him wildly instead.
I haven’t uttered a word, but I don’t have to. He knows me. ‘I know you’re scared.’ He takes another gulp of air. ‘But you’ll remember.’
My brain is frozen, but my legs respond to his panted words and find a life of their own.
‘You can do this. I believe in you.’
I clutch his outstretched arm and then screw my eyes tight shut and kick. His words repeat in my head and I kick again, putting as much power into them as I can muster even though the water feels like treacle. I have to tell myself to breathe. The water continually splashes my face and ends up in my mouth as I mistime my attempts to gasp at air, and in turn, I lose the rhythm of my legs and dip below the water again. I thrash my legs with the lousy energy that I have left, but it’s enough to bob me back up as Jackson continues to tow me in.
‘You can put your feet down now,’ he says, his voice still strained.
My fingers tighten around his arm and I open my eyes to plead with him. ‘I can’t.’ My voice is hoarse and my throat burns, panic shrouding me like a cloak.
‘Try.’ Every trace of stress has gone from him now and his eyes crinkle up in a smile.
