Page 151 of Salt in the Seas
She picked up her pace while trying to mask her presence in the woods even more. But when she reached a tiny clearing and found Gaeren sitting on a fallen tree, she paused, her heart rising to her throat. His face was contorted with pain and concentration as he hunched over his palm, digging at it with a knife.
With the dim moonlight, it was difficult to see much, but something wet sparkled on his cheeks and it made her break a little inside.
“Gaeren,” she called out softly.
He started, dropping the knife, but quickly recovered, showing complete ease at her presence. They’d come so far since the enemies they’d been told to be. She’d seen in his eyes how much he cared as he stood on the gallows platform, and now she saw a flicker of it return to his eyes as he gave a weak smile.
She had no idea where it left them, where she wanted it to leave them.
He grunted out a greeting while using his shoulder to swipe the wetness from his cheek, then bent to retrieve his knife.
“What are you doing?” she asked, even though it was obvious.
“Something I should have done a long time ago.” His words came out more defeated than determined, and he stared at the bloody mess on his palm. “I just keep picturing her, curled up in a ball, crying over the loss. The agony festering deep inside.”
Aeliana tried to picture it too. She hadn’t ever met Lenda, so the image was too fuzzy and dull to create the empathy she knew she should have. Or perhaps it was her desire for him to be free that made the image of him sitting before her far more pitiful.
She stepped forward and sat on the log next to him, their nearness reminiscent of the morning they’d attacked Mayvus in the Myndren Mountains so long ago. She reached for his palm, which shook, and steadied it with her own hands on top of her knee.
“I don’t think Enla would have instructed you to do it if it wasn’t inLenda’s best interests. It might hurt Lenda tonight. But it sounds like it’s freeing her for something better.” Something whispered in the back of her mind that it was better for him too. But she suspected he wouldn’t want to hear that right now.
He laughed bitterly. “I’m not picturing Lenda. Maybe I should be. I’m picturing Enla. I can’t get past what she went through, not enough to be able to do this. I want to, but I think even my memories have been tainted and twisted to something so grotesque that my own fears make it impossible.”
She frowned. “Like your memories aren’t accurate?”
He nodded. “When I tried taking those memories from her, I think I left her with the sweetness that lingered in the pain and gave myself only the horror of the experience.”
“I thought you said your mentors fixed that.”
He shook his head. “They kept me from killing us both. But some damage had already been done.”
“How long did it set Enla back? What will it do to you if you cut it out now?”
He ran his clean hand through his hair. “Physically? A week, maybe less. Iris made it seem easy, but I think shock and circumstances altered her experience.”
Aeliana winced.
“But mentally?” Gaeren added. “Enla’s never recovered.”
“Maybe it won’t be the same for you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I still can’t do it. I’ve barely lifted the edge.” He held it up for her perusal before closing his fist to hide the mark. “My work will likely be healed in two days’ time.”
More blood trickled out as he squeezed it in his frustration. It called to Aeliana with the faintest ring—like a distant bell—but she ignored it, far more focused on the pain seeping off him in waves like a symphony. She opened his palm, using one hand to splay his fingers across her knee and the other to gently pry his knife from his other hand.
“Let me help you,” she whispered.
His breath hitched, and she became far too aware of his nearness. The way she no longer felt the chill of the coming winter because theheat of his body warmed her. Her offer felt like it could never be enough, but it also felt like the exact right thing to do. Even so, fear washed over her that he would find her offer appalling because now she wanted to do it for him. She wanted to be the one to free him the way he had freed her from Mayvus.
“Please,” he whispered back. Then he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw.
She bent over his palm and tucked the knife point under the bit of skin he’d already loosened.
He hissed before steeling himself further, and she hesitated.
There was an easier way to do this, a way that could free not just him but Lukai as well. It could even free her. She set the knife down on the log beside her, and this time it was her hands that shook. Daisies unfurled at their feet, spreading out in a wave around them, spurring her on.
His eyes remained squeezed shut, his focus so intent on bearing through the pain that he remained unaware of her change in tactic. She allowed herself a moment to study the defined lines of his clenched jaw, the curve of his lips. It made her face heat, but it also gave her certainty that this was the better way.
