Page 76 of Arranged Scars
He makes an annoyed face. “Your stupid brother wouldn’t die. He was waiting for us.”
That catches my attention.
“Seriously? Waiting how?”
“I don’t know. We went in and it was all wrong. There were way too many soldiers. Ten times what there normally are. And Dermot was in the middle of them like he brought them himself. Like he knew we would be there.”
Well, shit. I chew on my lip, drink more champagne, and stare at the black TV. If Finn’s right and Dermot planned for an attack, that means he suspected Shane and Redmond didn’t die in freak accidents. And now we confirmed everything.
“This is really bad. Did anyone see your faces?”
“No way. There was so much killing.” He mimes shooting a gun and laughs. “God, I’m really good at that.”
“I bet you are.” I finish my glass and pour another. “How does your shoulder feel?”
“Like I got shot, but fine otherwise.”
“What are we going to do, Finn?”
He must hear the desperation in my voice. Slowly, he sits up and leans against my shoulder. He’s warm and strong, despite the wound. I love how solid he feels. Even now, injured and high on opioids, he’s like a brick wall. I can count on him despite everything.
“We’re going to get through it.”
I nod miserably. “You didn’t even want to go. I practically forced you to.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m sorry, Finn. If I weren’t so eager and reckless, this wouldn’t have happened. Now you’re hurt and Dermot knows we’re coming for him. This is all so fucked.”
He’s quiet for a moment. I know he’s still high, but he’s looking at me steadily now. More clarity is entering his glassy eyes as the drugs slowly wear off.
“I should be the one apologizing. I never should have let you get involved in my personal quest for revenge. I’ve had years to plan everything. I should’ve been able to handle it on my own without your help.”
“You wanted to punish me, didn’t you? That’s why you hired me to clean your apartment. That’s why you dragged me into this.”
His head tilts thoughtfully. “Maybe that’s right. I rationalized everything at the start. I kept telling myself you wanted this as much as I did, so what was the harm in bringing you along? But I’ve been fucking you up, Caroline, and I hate myself for it.”
“Finn—”
“No, I want you to listen to me. I’ve been changing these last few weeks. Slowly, and in directions I never imagined before, but always toward you. Before we got married, my entire world revolved around survival. Get through one day, keep a smile on my face, get through another, don’t let anyone see how badly I was suffering. But meeting you, falling for you, it showed me life can be about more than revenge. There’s more than hurting thepeople that hurt us. We don’t have to let them make us suffer anymore.”
My heart races up into my throat. I know he’s trying to make a point but all I can think about isfalling for youover and over.
I quickly get up. He watches me, immensely calm, as I get myself more champagne. I drink it down and wonder, why am I acting like that’s a bad thing?
Like I don’t feel the exact same way?
This is what I want. Liam’s completely right. We could stop right now. That attack on Dermot was a close call, and maybe we should learn something from it. There’s no reason to keep going. Shane and Redmond are dead, and the rest of my family is suffering over their loss. Maybe Dermot and Malachy deserve more, but maybe I deserve something good instead.
I could have that with Finn. We could let it all go and be happy together.
“I’m going to ruin you, Caroline,” he mutters, lying back on the couch again and stretching out. “I’m going to kill everyone. That’s all I’ve ever been good at. Killing and hurting people. I don’t know how to be good. I don’t know how to take care of you. Just leave me while you still can.” His eyes grow heavy.
I feel sick. I don’t know what to do. “Finn. Hey.” I walk over and lightly shake him. “Stay with me.”
“I’m right here.”
“No more talking like that, okay? You’re just high, that’s all.”
