Page 45 of Friends That Heal Us
They’re at the ‘I do’ part of the ceremony. My stomach twists in knots, going back and forth on if I should stop this or not. How would that make me look? Like a coward? Like a jealous prick?
I shift my body over so I can see her over Zayn’s shoulder. She’s staring down at their hands.Look at me. Look at me, I say to myself.Come on. Look up.
Her eyes shift up, and we lock eyes for a brief second. In that moment, I’m about to tell her I love her. But before I can, the moment disappears as she breaks our gaze; her eyes shift to Zayn and with a wide grin she says, “I do.”
“Did you ever think to tell me you liked me even after Rya told you I liked Zayn?”
“All the time. I went back and forth for a while, thinking of whether I should or shouldn’t. I was stuck between my feelings and not betraying Zayn and Rya.” I let out a groan. “Like always, I put them before me, and look where it got us.”
“Don’t blame yourself. I could have said something, too, but never did.”
I watch her tuck a strand of damp hair behind her ear, her eyes glistening under the soft bathroom light. For a second, the heaviness between us eases, and it feels like we’re two teens again. No lies, no Zayn, no Rya, just us talking so naturally about anything. Everything always comes so naturally with her. Like I can be myself and never get judged. Sometimes it was so hard to pull any conversation from Rya because it was always about her. If it wasn’t about her, we didn’t talk about it.
I’m feeling bad about myself for how I let someone treat me like that.
“Did you ever think to tell me you liked me after finding out I supposedly liked Rya?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I was actually kind of glad back then I never told you because I was already second-guessing if you would have found it weird since we were best friends.”
“But didn’t you catch on to anything when we would study together?”
She tilts her head curiously, but then shrugs her shoulders. “Yeah, sort of, but I thought I had imagined everything.”
A small chuckle comes out of me and she raises her eyebrow. “I thought I imagined everything too.”
She giggles. “You’re always nice and always thoughtful of me and everyone around you because that’s the person you are. So it was kind of easy to think I imagined it.”
“But I did a lot more for you than anyone else.”
“Like what?”
My mouth parts at her question. “Like what?” I repeat, giving her a smirk. “Like all that time I spent with you after school to help you get your grades up.”
Her face falls and she bites her lip. “Ugh. I thought you did that out of the kindness of your heart.”
“I did. But I wouldn’t have spent that much time with you.”
She lets out a chuckle. “Ouch.”
“I don’t mean it like that. It’s just…I don’t think anyone would spend that much time with someone if they didn’t like them.”
Her lips tighten and her cheeks flush pink. “Yeah. I guess I can see that. That makes sense now.”
“I liked being around you. Just the two of us,” I finally admit. After all these years, it feels good to finally come clean about everything.
“I had no idea,” she says quietly, and her tone is weighed down by regret and sadness. “Maybe if I had caught on, things might have been different. Maybe I wouldn’t have believed Rya.”
“We’re not to blame. We were both dealt a shitty hand.”
For the first time in years, I don’t feel the weight of the “what ifs” sitting heavy and hovering over my life. I finally said it. I finally told her the truth I buried so deep it almost ate me alive.I liked her, I love her, I always have. I’m done pretending and punishing myself away from it. Nothing matters anymore. Not Zayn. Not Rya. What matters is right now. Her sitting in front of me, looking at me with eyes that have never judged me, not even now that the truth is finally out. All these years I judged myself, and it feels like I can breathe again, like I’ve been holding my breath for years and I can finally let it go. I can’t dwell on the past anymore. The only thing to do now is move forward.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
VIOLET
After the last few days,I feel so mentally and physically drained. It was one thing after another. The truth bomb that happened last night should have set me off, but instead it settled deep down inside of me. I don’t know what to think or how to feel anymore. It’s been so much to process in such a short amount of time that my emotions don’t react anymore.
Back then, if Ezra had told me he liked me, it would have made my heart skip a beat or two, but last night I didn’t know what to think or feel. It was all too much. I’m finally glad to know I didn’t imagine anything. But then it made me pissed off at Rya even more. But I also didn’t feel as heated as I thought I would be if this truth came out in a different situation. Am I at the point where nothing fazes me anymore?
