Page 63 of Friends That Heal Us
His bright green eyes lock onto me. “Because it always has been you.”
Those words hit hard. My mind flashes back to all my what-ifs I hide from everyone. Even myself. Where would my life have been if I had told him my actual feelings? Would he have cheated on me? Probably not. He’s not that type of guy.
“Do you think we married the wrong people?” I ask.
“At this moment, yes.” He pauses for a moment as if he’s searching for the right words to say. “But then I’ve always thought that maybe this is the direction our lives had to go in order for us to be at this moment right now.”
I shift my body to the side, resting my head on my hand. “What do you mean?”
“Like, what if we were the ones that got married and things didn’t work out? We were so young when we got married. Some young marriages don’t last because people are still growing and learning. You hear about marriages that grow apart and then you hear of those that your partner grows with you.”
“So you don’t think we would have grown together?”
He bites his lip and shrugs his shoulders. “You just never know. I think we are the more mature ones and would have had a better chance of making it work. But I hate living in the past. I did that so much before we got married, and it ate me alive. There are a lot of things I regret. But with you, I’ve never regretted anything.”
“What do you regret?”
He scoffs. “I take that back. The only thing I do regret with you is not telling you how I felt when we were younger. Sometimes I think that this is the way the universe wanted it to happen.” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “I don’t know. I go back and forth on everything, and then I jumble my whole life and thoughts together, and then I get so exhausted.”
I can’t help but giggle softly. It’s comforting knowing that it’s not only us women who get tangled up in our thoughts, replaying moments and analyzing every word or action. We’re always told men don’t overthink, and that they’re simple. But here Ezra is, clearly doing the same back-and-forth I do. It’s nice hearing his side of things from a man’s perspective. It makes me realize how similar we actually are.
“How do you feel about everything?” he asks, gently pulling me closer to him. His arms open, and I sink into him, resting my head against his chest.
“Can I be honest?”
“Of course.”
I let out an exhale. “Sometimes I feel like I’m no better than Rya?—”
He cuts me off. “Oh, trust me. You’re way better than she is.”
“Am I? I mean, we’re still married,” I say quietly, almost too scared to say the words myself.
“Those two deserve more than what we’ve ever given to them. A lifetime of lies and all we did was trust them.” He scoffs in disappointment, and I can feel his muscles tightening beneath me. “That is another regret I have—trusting them so much.”
I swallow hard. “I guess you’re right.”
“Are you regretting us?”
“No,” I say sternly, “That’s why I feel guilty because I don’t regret it. But I am also scared.”
“Scared of what?” he questions.
“I’ve already lost two of my best friends,” I say, my chest tightening. “I can’t bear to lose another.”
Mourning best friends is a strange heartache. Sometimes I think it might be easier if they were dead because then I wouldn’t feel so stupid mourning relationships that hurt me beyond belief. But that’s what makes me an actual human with real feelings. So how can I feel so guilty about having these feelings and thoughts? I get a sting in my chest every time I think back on our memories because they’re memories I held so deeply in my heart, and knowing those people betrayed me—both of us—hurts.
“You’re not going to lose me. Why do you think that?”
“I never thought I would lose Zayn and Rya, and look what happened. You just never know what could happen.” I press my lips together, almost regretting those words as if I’m asking the universe to make me lose another friend.
He pulls me in tighter, and I can feel the beat of his heart against my ear. “Trust me, you will never lose me. Even if things with us go bad, I will not let you go. I will be there for you for the rest of your life.”
“How do you know?”
“Because my heart hurt for you for so long that I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life.”
My chest constricts at his words. Words I’ve never heard before. They’re settling deep inside me, making me feel how I’ve always wanted to feel, and I’ve never realized I’ve never felt like someone would hate to lose me. It’s not only him saying it, but in the short time we’ve had together he’s shown it.
