Page 97 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“Hey now!” Mary-Anne yelps. “I am not old yet. Thank you!”
“Right, right,” Hayden looks my way and mumbles, laughing.
I lean closer and laugh so his mom can’t see, and both Zachary and Holly have their mouths covered.
“Y’all are grounded,” Mary-Anne jokes, and I don’t even bother pointing out I’m not one of the children.
“Don’t worry, babies, I’ll bring you candy,” Super Old Gran says.
The table breaks out in comeback after comeback, but it’s all a hushed mumble in my head as time slows and I’m left in my own little universe, looking from one person to the next. Left looking at the family I almost had. Eliza and Jeffrey, the aunt and uncle. Mine are thousands of miles away in Germany, and while I think they like me, they don’t make a point to call. Holly, the little sister I never had. Super Old Gran, the awesome grandmother that sneaks you candy when your parents ground you and says exactly what she’s thinking no matter how dirty it is. I have a grandfather on my mom’s side left, but I’ve only seen him like twice, and my grandmother, my Oma, died when I was ten. Then there’s Mr. Marcus. My first impression was that he’s stern, but there’s a softness in his eyes when he talks to Hayden, Zachary, or Holly. I can imagine them playing catch in the yard, or him spinning them in circles on that metal death contraption at the park. I can see the smiles, hear the giggles, and almost feel the hugs. He’s the closest I’ve ever come to having a dad, and I didn’t take advantage of it. I think I was scared to, but I mean, I should have been, right?
I’m slammed back into the here and now with a pat on the back.
“You okay?” Hayden’s still giggling. Zachary’s peering across the table at us. I swear he’s eyeing Hayden’s hand on my shoulder.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just zoned out,” I tell him. I can’t keep going on like this. I have to tell him and get this over with. I can’t stand sitting here, enjoying the love and warmth all these people offer me so freely. It has to stop. I need to get away. I need to break the news to Hayden. “Can we go outside? I need some air.”
“Yeah, sure.” Hayden nods and stands. “Before we go though…”
He looks around the table, all eyes glued to him. He looks directly at me just as I’m getting to my feet. I almost stumble. Hayden reaches out and grabs my hand to steady me.
I go to pull away but remember that’s still a no-no. It doesn’t matter though. Hayden’s already pulled away like he touched something slimy and nasty.
“Kenzie.” Hayden’s eyes drill into mine. He brings his fist up and clears his throat. His smile feels fake. It’s too big, too wide, too something. What is happening? Just don’t get down on a knee! Please! “I, uh…uh…I wanted to ask. You know, uh…”
My forehead lowers and I try really hard not to widen my eyes, but I think they do a little. At least the attention isn’t all on me now. Still, I’m nervous, because if something is crazy enough to get him like this—to get Hayden Dean Marcus, Mitchell High’s star basketball player, the boy who had me nearly drooling a month ago, to hardly be able to speak—then I’m done for.
“He’s just—” Mary-Anne starts, but Holly is on it before she can get two words out.
“He wants you to go to the dance with him!” Holly blurts a hundred miles an hour, then gasps. “See! It wasn’t that hard.”
“Yeah, that.” Hayden gives Holly the evil eye. When his eyes return to me, they don’t stay there. It’s like he’s too scared to see me.
“Uh, I—” My words won’t come, eyes shooting between Holly and Hayden, then Zachary and Super Old Gran, then back to Hayden.
“The Winter Formal at Mitchell,” he specifies.
His mom gasps like she didn’t have a clue. Holly squeals and claps her hands. Mr. Marcus is simply smiling. He seems proud.
“Marry them!” Super Old Gran yells.
“Granny!” Hayden whips around and scowls, but he’s laughing, sort of.
Just out of view is the one I wish was asking me the same question. The thoughts scatter through my head, bouncing haphazardly about, making me want to crumble onto the floor. I wish it were Zachary asking. I’d say yes. I’d yell it again and again. I’d grab him up and kiss him and ask what we’re wearing, if he wants me to wear a dress or a tux, when we’re going to get sized or if we even need that. But it’s not him. It’ll never be him. I’ve made certain of that with the stupid things I’ve done. Instead, he’s frozen to his chair.
I squeeze my fist and try to speak.
“I, uh, I mean…” I keep trying, but it’s not working.
“Say yes!” Holly yells.
I can’t do this. It’s too much. The dam breaks. It starts as a single tear, streaming down my cheek, probably carving a path through my eyeliner. I sniffle, trying to hold it back, but that deep dread inside my chest keeps building. It starts as unease and grows as embarrassment and sadness weave together while I take in all the eyes around me. Then it breaks, boiling over with fear and self-hatred.
Why the hell did you do this, Mackenzie? You lied to all of them, to all these amazing, kind, and wholesome people. You lied to Hayden. You lied to Zachary. You fell in love with a person you didn’t know existed.And I thought somehow it’d be okay, that I’d keep up the ruse and it’d all work out. How could I have been so foolish?
“I can’t!” My voice pierces the yells of, “Say yes,” and “This is so sweet!”
The room goes silent.
