Page 83 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“Was I?” Hayden shuffles in his seat. Unease is written all over his face and body language.
“Uh, well, you…yeah,” I stumble.
“Oh,” he says and takes a breath.
He’s definitely not ready, and I’ve made him do it anyway, and it’s not even the truth. He’s just determined he can’t remember. I’m honestly surprised he wasn’t more headstrong and antagonistic of the very idea that he would be dating me.
“Well, we’re public now.” He nods and swallows.
I want to crawl under the table and cry because this is all my fault. I can see the fear in his eyes. Fear that I caused. Fear that shouldn’t be there, that has no reason to be there, except because of my selfishness.
I can’t do this anymore!
“Hayden,” I blurt.
“Yeah.” His head raises.
“I’m not what you think I am.” I string the words together in one big note. I go to open my mouth again, to scream to him and the whole world that I’m a fraud, that I let one little moment get way out of hand, but the syllables catch at the back of my throat. “I…I…”
“You okay, Kenzie?” Hayden leans across the table.
Okay, maybe he is a little full of himself, but he’s still a lot of what I thought he was. The kindness and worry in his eyes right now. The way he genuinely seems concerned about me. Hell, the way he’s trying to “date” me despite it all being made up. Freyja, am I the worst person in the world? I can’t be the Loki of my own story, my own life.
“I just…” I stumble again. “I…”
“What do you mean you’re not who I think you are?” Hayden’s practically pleading with me now.
The lights that were dim and calming moments ago feel like spotlights now. Their beams focus on me, illuminating every part of my mind, screaming out all of my secrets and revealing to everyone the disgusting person I am. I clamp my fist under the table atop my lap, pushing my skirt forward.
“I… We’re not…”Dammit, Kenzie, just say it and get it over with!“We—”
“Hey, y’all, I’m Meredith. I’ll be your server to—” She stops. Surprise is painted across her face while I try to hold back the frustration wanting to burst from behind my eyes. Meredith swipes at a layer of short bobbed blonde hair and apologizes furiously. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I…I can come back, if that’s okay.”
“It’s okay, Meredith. We do need another moment though.” Hayden nods at her.
Does he know her too?
“Be back in a few minutes, then.” Meredith dips backward and disappears.
“Now, what were you saying?” Hayden locks on me again.
“I was, uh… I was saying that we’re…”Breathe, Kenzie. Remember to breathe.Give me strength.I grasp my necklace and think it again.Give me strength. “I was saying that we actually weren’t ready yet. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for your family to find out! It just sort of happened. I was selfish and didn’t deny it. I’m sorry, Hayden.”
Fudge nuggets, Kenzie! What are you doing? You were supposed to tell him the truth, not ninety-nine percent the truth minus the one percent that actually matters!
“Oh.” He dips his head and swallows again. “It’s okay. I guess that’s why it all still feels so weird and off to me. I just don’t remember any of this.”
Me too, I think.Me too.
24
“Do you have to do that in here? You’re going to make it smell weird,” Mom complains.
I grimace, fanning my palm over a handful of smoldering sage. I’m not letting any bad vibes or negative thoughts stay stuck around tonight, even in the living room. I need a clear head.
“Yes, I have to,” I say matter-of-factly.
I discreetly put my biggest amethyst on the center of the kitchen table before Mom woke up. A few black obsidian stones in the corners of the kitchen and living room with clear crystals to amplify their wards against negativity. Oh, and the spire of selenite on the coffee table in the living room. Mom protested that, too, when I replaced the pretty vase of multicolored flowers I set up just last week, but it actually looks good there. Maybe I can convince her to let me keep it.
